


multi-faceted

by syncxpate



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, One Shot Collection, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-02-26 16:45:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syncxpate/pseuds/syncxpate
Summary: a collection of some of my completed and reposted jongkey one-shots; a mix of angst and fluff.any warnings will be in the beginning of the chapterdetails of each fic in the notes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. tattoo soulmates (kibum's soulmate keeps getting tattoos)  
> 2\. photographic memory (jonghyun remembers everyone's exes)  
> 3\. what i meant to say (jonghyun likes whining about his love for kibum to a reluctant minho)  
> 4\. remember (kibum pretends he doesn't remember)  
> 5,6. flowers in the lungs (kibum starts pushing jonghyun away)  
> 7\. it's seasonal (kibum likes summer and jonghyun likes winter)  
> 8\. once (you loved him once)[2nd person pov, poetry]  
> 9\. choices (sometimes he wishes they had made another decision)  
> 10\. jackass ( jonghyun is an idol and kibum is a dj and this has no plot whatsoever)  
> 11\. selfish (maybe he shouldn't want it but he does)[side!minkey]  
> 12\. silly (jonghyun cries in public)  
> 13\. relapse (jonghyun makes the same mistake twice)  
> 14\. qna (jonghyun wants to ask many stupid questions)  
> 15\. i hate you (kibum overuses that phrase)  
> 16\. heat (kibum is an incubus, jonghyun might be prey)  
> 17\. in your thrall (kibum is a vampire, jonghyun is his thrall)  
> 18\. fool (don't fall in love)  
> 19\. pink (jonghyun is a merman with a pink tail, kibum could be his human)  
> 20\. cost (kibum is the demon jonghyun sold his soul to)  
> 21\. trust (jonghyun cheats and they try again)  
> 22\. just a little crush (jonghyun likes tall boys)  
> 23\. masquerade (he puts on a mask with you and you let him) [second person pov, outside pov]  
> 24\. conversations ("what would they do without us, seriously.") [featuring bff!jongtae, and bff!minkey]

**tattoo soulmates**

side!onho

(based on [this tumblr post](https://syncxpate.tumblr.com/post/166529510651/the-doctor-9-10-imagine-a-soulmate-auwhere))

* * *

 

 

the first tattoo that appears is a delicately inked constellation of stars across kibum's bicep. it goes unnoticed until he's in the shower and his resulting scream brings jinki running, slamming the door open.

 

"what happened? is there a bug? did you get hurt?" the panicked squeak in jinki's voice mildly amuses kibum, even as he scrambles to try to cover himself.

 

when jinki notices what kibum is doing, he snorts. "i've seen everything before, kibum, it's not the most impressive."

 

kibum rolls his eyes but ignores the comment, choosing instead to shove his arm under jinki's nose. "what's this?"

 

"pretty," jinki comments, when his eyes uncross themselves. "when did you get a tattoo?" 

 

"i  _ didn't _ , that's the point!" kibum glares at his roommate.

 

jinki scratches the side of his head slowly. "well, then that means your soulmate did."

 

"oh," kibum says quietly. he scrutinises the tattoo closely. "it  _ is _ pretty," he says softly.

 

jinki smiles gently and backs out of the bathroom, leaving kibum staring silently at the tattoo, his first indication that there was someone out there who was apparently meant for him.

 

~-~

 

in the week that follows, more tattoos start drawing themselves on kibum's skin; on his third finger, above his elbow, behind his ear, one on each wrist. and at first he enjoys how stark the dark lines are when contrasted with his pale skin, how finely and precisely they are inked on. but by the sixth consecutive tattoo, he's pissed. 

 

"how many more tattoos does this jackass intend to get?!" he complains at jinki. "it feels like they're trying to compress ten years' worth of teenage rebellion into one week."

 

"at least they're pretty," jinki reassures him, tracing the intricate patterns and cursive script. 

 

"they are no longer pretty to me," kibum mutters resentfully. he scratches at the black square abstract pattern on his wrist as if he hopes that will erase it.

 

~-~

 

the tattoos stop multiplying after two weeks and kibum gets used to blending in concealer on work days, to wearing sleeved shirts out of necessity and to answering curious queries whenever someone inadvertently catches sight of them. used to it, but far from pleased.

 

he wonders if he'll ever meet this soulmate of his, if only to yell at them about the permanence of these marks, and about consideration for other people before doing dumb things. well, consideration for him anyway.

 

"they're like soulmate marks," jinki says. "kinda romantic, if you think about it."

 

"if i get 'stop tattooing yourself, you butt' tattooed on my ass, would you think that is romantic too?"

 

jinki raises an eyebrow. "no, that would just give two people a very stupid tattoo. plus, you won't be able to sit down properly for like a month."

 

kibum wants to disown jinki.

 

~-~

 

four weeks later, kibum's boss calls him into the office to politely explain that tattoos are well and good but he really should cover them up when they meet clients. "it's about the image of the company, you know?" 

 

and that's how kibum realises he has another tattoo on the back of his neck, visible just above his collar.

 

"i hate my soulmate," he seethes as he gets back to his apartment later, toeing off his shoes. "maybe they're in some kind of relaxed work environment that enjoys tattoos, maybe even encourages them. but i'm in  _ human resources _ . and  _ at a bank. _ i can't afford to have-" halfway through his rant, he looks up and notices jinki isn't alone.

 

"oh hello minho, to catch you up, my soulmate is a butt and i hate them." kibum knows jinki's fiancè well enough; the tall, mild-mannered science teacher a common fixture at their place.

 

"so you've met them?" minho says, making a valiant effort to join in the conversation. this is why kibum likes him, he's nice and humours him.

 

he ignores the way jinki stage whispers "babe why do you bother?"

 

"nope, but they've done like seven tattoos in a month and it's enough for me to know that  _ they're a butt. _ who needs that many tattoos? if they get a sleeve, i'm leaving them." kibum crosses his arms and scowls

 

"you need to be together before leaving them," jinki points out.

 

"why do you  _ always  _ have to zoom in on the small, irrelevant details?"

 

minho coughs lightly and their attention refocuses back on him. "multiple tattoos in a month, you said?"

 

" _ yes.  _ on the wrists, above the elbow, along the bicep, behind the ear, on the finger, behind the neck and i just found one on the side of my ribcage this morning!" he pulls up his sleeve to show minho the constellation tattooed across his bicep.

 

minho stares at the tattoo, almost lost in thought. "i need to go," he says suddenly. "i'll be back." he kisses jinki on the side of his mouth then rushes off. 

 

jinki looks just as bemused as kibum feels so he doesn't ask, and resumes the bitching about his tattoo-loving soulmate.

 

~-~

 

when minho comes back, he isn't alone. the person with him is shorter than kibum, slim with broad shoulders and muscled veiny arms. he also has gentle eyes that stare up under the fall of slightly too-long brown hair and soft, full lips. kibum decides he likes how he looks.

 

"this is jonghyun," minho says, nudging the person forward. "i think he's your soulmate, kibum."

 

"what?"

 

kibum's exclamation is echoed by jonghyun, but while kibum's tone is skeptical, jonghyun's is hopeful. and the look in his eyes when they raise to meet kibum's makes something bubble in his chest.

 

minho doesn't pay attention to their gasps. instead he rolls up jonghyun's sleeve and kibum sees the constellation inked there, deeper and darker than the one on his own arm, but otherwise exactly the same.

 

"oh," kibum whispers and despite himself he starts forward to run slow fingers over the marks. jonghyun's skin is soft, smooth, slightly darker than kibum's, and the contrast with the tattoo is gentler.

 

"it looks harsher on me," kibum says, when jonghyun only stares. he rolls up his own sleeve and jonghyun too instinctively reaches out to graze fingers over it. "no," he corrects. "it's beautiful."

 

the sincerity in his voice and expression makes kibum swallow hard. soulmates had seemed such an abstract concept until right this instance. apprehension and hope warring in his head and heart.

 

"i used to work with minho," jonghyun tells him, "then i quit and started giving private music lessons. i've always wanted tattoos...i hadn't thought far enough about whether my soulmate would care. i'm sorry."

 

kibum shrugs. "if you don't get a sleeve, i promise not to hate it too much."

 

jinki snorts from somewhere behind them. "put him in front of a pretty face and all the complaints magically go away. never changes."

 

"is that true?" jonghyun says. "does it mean you think i'm pretty?"

 

his grin is disconcertingly attractive. 

 

"none of your business," kibum replies sharply.

 

jonghyun chuckles. "i like you," he says casually.

 

"that's quick," minho comments.

 

"shut up ming," kibum interjects absent-mindedly. he's decided he likes the way jonghyun is looking at him, frank and considering. he likes the small smile flitting on jonghyun's mouth and how his eyes haven't moved from kibum since he's entered the house.

 

"wanna go for coffee?" jonghyun's eyes light up at kibum's invitation.

 

"i don't drink coffee, but sure."

 

jonghyun's smile is brilliant and beautiful and under its glow, kibum thinks maybe, just maybe, tattoos aren't so bad after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**photographic memory**

_in which jonghyun remembers all their exes._

side!onho, general ot5 domesticity. 

i don't think i've ever posted this haha.

* * *

 

"i met jongin at the store the other day, do you remember him?" taemin asks casually one lazy afternoon, his head settled in jonghyun's lap. jonghyun's fingers in taemin's hair still and they tilt their head. their reply comes only after a moment.

 

"the ballet dancer?" they ask. "you dated him three years back. he's the one everyone said looked like you except not quite? he's got a more square jaw line than you i think, broader forehead, smaller eyes."

 

taemin sits up abruptly, his head nearly crashing into jonghyun's chin. "that a far more detailed answer than i expected."

 

jonghyun shrugs, averting their eyes. "i just? remember everyone's partners? i guess? it's a thing?" their cheeks have turned pink and if taemin wasn't as surprised as he is, he would have poked a mischievous finger into the blush.

 

"jinki!" he yells in the direction of the bedrooms. "jonghyun says they can remember all our ex-partners!" jonghyun lunges at taemin to cover his mouth but they're too late, jinki has already wandered out of his bedroom, followed closely by a clinging minho. they both look around blearily, still half-asleep.

 

"oops," taemin says guiltily. "i forgot it was your naptime."

 

"where's the fire?" jinki mutters groggily. "save kibum's clothes if you can. they're the nicest and most expensive and easiest to sell."

 

taemin stifles a laugh and jonghyun shakes their head and minho says nothing at all. they shuffle closer to jinki, wrap arms around his middle, drop their head into the crook between his neck and shoulder and for all appearances look like they've fallen back asleep.

 

"no fire, jinks," jonghyun says gently. "just tae."

 

"jonghyun says they can remember all our previous partners!" taemin repeats excitedly. 

 

"jjong has a photographic memory," kibum drawls from where he's appeared in the doorway of his and jonghyun's room. "it's kind of expected."

 

jonghyun grins, and they raise their arms in kibum's direction, beckoning. kibum sticks out his tongue at them then strides over to fold himself into jonghyun's lap. it should look vaguely ridiculous since kibum is about two inches taller and has a broader frame than jonghyun, but it just looks sweet. 

 

"i remember kibummie's partners," jonghyun says dreamily. "the most recent was the other kibum two years ago; everyone said they looked alike, but i never thought that. kibummie's features are more delicate and defined, the other one had wider features, and a flatter face, like a fish." kibum barks out a laugh at their words.

 

"he wasn't that bad," he says. "you were just jealous." 

 

"very jealous," jonghyun agrees, tightening their arms around kibum's waist. "but i had an awful crush on you then." 

 

"and now?" 

 

"still do," jonghyun hums. and kibum laughs softly.

 

"what about me?" jinki asks.

 

"what  _ about _ you? are you asking if i have a crush on you?" jonghyun asks.

 

"i know you, at any one time, you have a crush on half the world," jinki says, waving away the questions. "i meant do you remember my ex-partners?"

 

"try me."

 

"ah. challenges, i like that," jinki says, grinning. "okay. do you remember minjung?"

 

"the tall one, one and a half years back. played basketball. long black hair, always in pants. i think they would probably have looked good in a skirt. huge eyes. squarish jaw. kinda looked liked minho. we all guessed that you were dating them cos you didn't realize you actually wanted minho."

 

minho laughs into jinki's neck and jinki colours, slapping gently at minho's hands.

 

"nevermind that. what about...junghee?"

 

"four years back. tiny girl who dyed her hair pink for some reason. she was really thin too. soft puppy eyes. like mine, kibum said."

 

"but yours are cuter," kibum murmurs.

 

taemin snorts from beside them on the couch.

 

"joon?"

 

"in college! he was this built dancer guy who literally  _ everyone _ wanted to date but he always said he was already dating someon- wait. you never actually told us  _ you _ were the one dating him!"

 

jinki's grin turns sheepish. "oh. well. oops?"

 

"you still remember him though," he points out after a beat.

 

jonghyun shrugs. "he was hot, i remember hot people."

 

"so  _ easy," _ taemin says teasingly. 

 

"oh but they are. very much so," kibum says and he waggles his brows meaningfully.

 

taemin's face squishes up in discomfort and jonghyun raises one hand to close kibum's mouth and the other to run a comforting hand down taemin's back. "taemin doesn't like that kinda talk," they remind kibum. 

 

"sorry," kibum whispers, contrite.

 

"it's okay," taemin whispers back.

 

"what about  _ minho's _ ex-partners?" jinki asks, curious.

 

there's a pause while jonghyun thinks, forehead crinkled.

 

"i've been in love with you since i was 15," minho mutters faintly from behind jinki before anyone else can say a word. "there isn't anyone else."

 

"oh," jinki says softly. "oh."

 

jinki attempts to look back at minho but they have already buried their face back into his neck. he smiles, tender and fond, and lifts one of minho's hands up to press lips against the back of it. 

 

"oh go back to your nap," taemin says, waving them off. jinki makes a face at him but minho seems to agree, tugging jinki backwards into their room.

 

the room stills after jinki and minho leave, silence settling around the three left. jonghyun pulls taemin closer and kibum lazily readjusts, stretching his legs across taemin's lap so that he's lying across them both. "like a cat," jonghyun whispers fondly. kibum nuzzles into jonghyun's neck.

 

"i like your photographic memory," he says.

 

"i like you," jonghyun replies quietly.

 

taemin doesn't say anything, just leans his head against jonghyun's shoulder, and taps fingers gently on kibum's bare shins.

 

it's a good kind of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, tae in this fic is ace and sex averse and jjong is his fave cuddle buddy, and since jongkey is dating he adopted key as a cuddle buddy too. so that's why it's kinda like jongtaekey but also not really.  
> randomly felt the need to explain lol.  
> there's also like a backstory of taekai and how they were bffs that became bfs but kai couldn't handle the fact that tae is ace so they had quite an awful breakup and that's why jjong overdescribes kai so tae doesn't fixate. i rmb i wanted to put it in but i got derailed by jongkey and then onho who is not surprised.


	3. Chapter 3

**what i meant to say**

_in which jonghyun is a literature teacher who likes whining about his love for kibum to a reluctant minho and kibum might not be as far from his reach as he thinks._

_rating: r_

i've posted this one before. 

 

* * *

 

Kibum is a slut. Or well, that’s what the people who hate him say. Jonghyun guesses ‘slut’ is another way of degrading people who love sex and refuse to offer up apologies for it. And Kibum is good at sex, at least Jonghyun deduces that must be true, based on the moans and whimpers that leak out of his room some nights. Most nights. Nearly every night some weeks.

 

There are reasons Kibum pays more of the rent.

 

‘It’s not like you couldn’t do the same,’ Kibum remarks, on one of his rare free nights. His eyes graze lightly over Jonghyun’s leanly muscled body. ‘You’d get people. Easy.’

 

Jonghyun chuckles. ‘Why? Are you offering?’

 

‘I could be,’ Kibum says, and his eyes flick up, contemplation obvious. ‘Just once, to see what it’s like. No strings, no commitment.’ He traces one finger idly over the sliver of skin exposed above Jonghyun’s waistband. A narrow line of heat searing through flesh.

 

Jonghyun’s fingers close around Kibum’s wrist; so thin, so breakable, such a misnomer to what Kibum really is. ‘I like my sex served with commitment, you know that.’

 

‘You’re no fun,’ Kibum mumbles. He turns back to the drama they were in the middle of. Jonghyun leans his cheek into Kibum’s shoulder, and wonders if the hurricane in his chest and stomach had been obvious on his face.

 

What would Kibum have said? If Jonghyun had turned to him and told him, _I’ve been in love with you forever._

 

The Kibum who Jonghyun had known way back then hadn’t been this….sensually lethal panther of a human. The Kibum of then had been quiet, soft spoken, shy, had needed prompting to speak out in class and only ever really expressed his flamboyance and sass in the security of his own room, and in Jonghyun’s. Somewhere in between puberty striking and present day, Kibum had learned to shed the fear that masked him and had emerged from it beautiful, striking, attractive. And completely terrifying.

 

Kibum’s appeal was something Jonghyun had always been aware of, a secret he carefully kept, like the last piece of gold in an abandoned pirate’s chest, like a jewel buried in an empty field. But Kibum himself had stripped away the pretense and now his secret is parading the streets, both predator and prey. Sometimes Jonghyun would watch him laugh on the telephone and wish he was still the only one who really knew him.

 

Jonghyun is still Kibum’s best friend, still the one he runs to when the day is long and the people are cruel, when broken dreams pierce at his sides, and when his heart is handed back half-whole. But even when he didn’t know the words to describe it, Jonghyun always wanted more, always wanted Kibum, all of Kibum; flesh, blood, bone, heart and mind. And as the years ticked by, a never ending stream of moments never grabbed, opportunities too dim to see except in hindsight, and hopes buried in the way Kibum kissed an evolving line of other people, he’s decided that maybe there is but one window of time for these things, that maybe all he can do now is settle for less than half.

 

~-~

 

‘I don’t understand why you can’t just tell him,’ Minho says. Jonghyun’s colleague stares at him from above his cup of coffee. ‘And why you insist on treating me like one of those stereotypical female supporting characters movies like to add in. I refuse to be your sounding board.’

 

‘But Minho,’ Jonghyun says. ‘You’re such a good listener.’

 

Minho rolls his eyes, checks his watch and with blatant relief announces he has a class to teach in 20 minutes that he needs to prepare for. Jonghyun figures it’s not exactly great for his reputation to whine loudly at his colleague in the middle of a high school canteen and lets him go with a stoic nod. Jonghyun is a literature teacher, and mostly he loves his job. Today he hates the fact that his students are spread across the compound and his colleagues are cloistered in the staff room, and despite this large number of human bodies, there isn’t one who wants to listen to him talk for the sixty-fifth time about how he’s in helpless, hopeless love with his roommate and bestfriend.

 

Maybe he should have taken up Biology, like Minho, maybe then he would be so filled up with facts and accurately drawn diagrams that he wouldn’t have the time or energy or special skills to be able to look for secret, unsaid meanings between and beyond whatever is overtly stated.

 

 _Just tell him_ , seems an idea that is too far out of reach. Trying to grab for it means toppling their secure tower of steady friendship into something that is messy and scattered, means stretching out for something unsure. Jonghyun doesn’t know if he’s brave enough to be able to risk turning their friendship into nothing but shards of shattered glass. You can glue it back together, but the cracks will always be seen. Kibum might sleep with too many people, might even embark on relationships with a few, might proclaim love into those rare few ears, but eventually, he comes back to curl around Jonghyun and whisper secrets. To Kibum, Jonghyun is comfort. So maybe that’s enough. No, not maybe. It’s definitely enough.

 

~-~

 

The next few weeks feel like a mistake, because Kibum comes home alone, dragging his feet and exhausted body into the house, and some nights he’s home even before Jonghyun, eyes glued on a screen, or talking into the phone, trying to negotiate with suppliers and wholesalers living in an entirely different timezone.

 

‘I hate my job,’ he mutters, walking over to drop his head onto Jonghyun’s shoulder.

 

‘No you don’t,’ Jonghyun says calmly. ‘You love it.’

 

He pulls Kibum into a hug and lets him mouth unhappy things under his breath. Kibum is a merchandise buyer, and when the holiday periods draw too close, his busy times get even busier, and time slides into a blur of negotiations and research and too many possible trends whizzing in too small a space. Kibum will say words that Jonghyun doesn’t understand, and complain about brands and names and types of clothing that Jonghyun cannot visualize.

 

‘I hope I don’t have to actually fly overseas for the trade shows this time,’ Kibum says quietly. And Jonghyun’s eyebrow raises.

 

‘Why? You like that part of the job best, don’t you?’

 

Kibum’s grin is slight. ‘Maybe I’ll miss you too much,’ he says, flippant. Before Jonghyun can push it further, Kibum’s phone rings, and he sighs distractedly, attention already shifting away.

 

 _Do not think too much_ , Jonghyun tells himself, but there’s a peculiar tension between them and a squeezing in his heart he can’t imagine away.

 

~-~

 

‘You look pathetic,’ Jinki comments, when Jonghyun enters his indie music store a few weeks later, looking for an obscure disc of a band he had heard once.

 

‘Kibum went overseas again,’ Jonghyun says. ‘I hate it when he does.’

 

‘You don’t only _look_ pathetic, you might actually be,’ Jinki replies, watching Jonghyun morosely peruse the records available.

 

When Jonghyun opens his mouth to reply, Jinki makes a little halting gesture. ‘I don’t need to hear anymore about how much you love my cousin, and if these stories are meant for me to drop hints, I’m not doing that either.’

 

‘How many people do you think he’s slept with over there?’ Jonghyun asks, and the bitterness is too evident.

 

‘More than you’d like to think about,’ Jinki replies. ‘But you already know more about that than most people, don’t you?’ Jonghyun’s face squeezes in pain and agreement.

 

‘Just tell him,’ Jinki says. ‘At the least, it’ll be a definite answer and you can start to get over him. He’s not an asshole, he’ll let you down gently.’

 

‘Nice,’ Jonghyun says. ‘You think I have no chance.’

 

‘I didn’t say that,’ Jinki almost sings, ringing up Jonghyun’s purchase.

 

‘I don’t want to lose him entirely. Almost is better than not at all, right?’

 

Jinki sighs. ‘For what it’s worth,’ he says finally. ‘I’m sure he definitely misses you too.’

 

~-~

 

Kibum comes back eight days later, with gifts and alcohol and overflowing exuberance.

 

‘Jonghyun,’ he says, at about nine that night. ‘Let’s get drunk.’

 

There’s something contagious about Kibum’s glee, something that Jonghyun wants to fall into. So despite the fact that he has work the next morning, he agrees.

 

‘Do you believe in love?’ Kibum asks, about five shots in.

 

‘Maybe,’ Jonghyun replies.

 

‘Love is so dumb,’ Kibum says empathically, and he almost slams his glass on the table. ‘And people who believe in it are dumb too. Are you dumb?’

 

Jonghyun suspects he’s much less drunk than Kibum is. ‘I might be,’ he says.

 

‘Okay,’ Kibum trills.

 

Jonghyun can feel the dark tendrils of depression winding their way up his throat; Kibum calls him a depressed drunk, because more often than not, drunk Jonghyun sings songs of broken hearts while sitting in a shadowy corner of the room. Kibum gets hyper. Sometimes Jonghyun wonders why they even bother drinking together.

 

When he looks back at Kibum, he’s moved too close, almost close enough to kiss, if that’s what Jonghyun wants to do. It makes Jonghyun jump in his seat. Kibum is staring at him with great concentration, and consideration.

 

‘What the hell, Bum?’

 

Kibum ignores Jonghyun, slides himself delicately into his lap, and kisses him; brief and chaste and innocent. Like it’s an experiment. And just as he’s pulling away, Jonghyun tugs him closer and deepens the kiss. He wants to blame the alcohol, but he knows he can only blame himself, and that need to be close to Kibum.

 

Kibum’s fingers are flitting wings on the buttons of Jonghyun’s shirt, pushing them apart and pressing cold hands low on his stomach. _What are you doing?_ Jonghyun wants to ask. _What am_ I _doing?_ He sucks a wet trail down Kibum’s neck, down to his collarbone, teeth closing gently over it. And Kibum’s head falls back, a soft moan dropping from his mouth and Jonghyun thinks suddenly that he never wants anyone else to hear those sounds.

 

When Kibum’s hips rock forward into Jonghyun’s, he hisses, hands falling to Kibum’s waist to grip it and hold him off. ‘I don’t think we should,’ he whispers urgently, scrambling for some remnants of lucidity as Kibum squirms and rolls his hips. Jonghyun shudders and rocks up to meet Kibum’s rhythm despite himself. He can feel self control slip away with the alcohol and the sensations.

 

‘Shut. Up,’ Kibum whispers back, and presses his mouth to Jonghyun’s again.

 

~-~

 

 _This is a bad bad idea,_ Jonghyun thinks. _Bad, stupid, insane._

 

It’s a cliff he can’t help leaping off.

 

Kibum pushes Jonghyun flat on the couch and deftly opens and pushes down his pants; the speed astonishing. He grabs hold of Jonghyun’s cock and brushes his thumb gently against the slit and as Jonghyun arches up he thinks suddenly that he wants to know what Kibum’s fingers would feel like deep inside him, what Kibum’s cock would feel like. ‘Fuck me,’ he says, voice cracking over the words. And Kibum lets out a noise that sounds like a mix between a growl and a purr.

 

~-~

 

For what seems to be a very long while, pain is the only sensation Jonghyun registers; pain as Kibum pushes his fingers in slowly, one by one. Pain as he stretches the skin. And Jonghyun is on the verge of tears when Kibum’s fingertips brush the spot that sends sparks up his spine. _Oh_ he breathes. Kibum lets a smile light on his face. He moves his fingers in and out a few more times, and Jonghyun whimpers beneath him, hands reaching down for his own cock.

 

‘No,’ Kibum says. ‘Not yet.’

 

When he pulls his body and fingers away, Jonghyun whines in an embarrassingly needy way, reaching out for him.

 

‘How long has it been?’ Kibum says, his voice darkly amused.

 

‘Too long,’ Jonghyun rasps out.

 

‘You should’ve accepted my invitation all those months ago,’ Kibum remarks. His hands land gently on the insides of Jonghyun’s thighs, and move up slowly, the fleeting almost touches agonizing.

 

‘Can you _stop talking_?’

 

Kibum grins; the kind of grin that reminds Jonghyun of a simpler time and a Kibum that was all his. And it should be weird and inappropriate that he’s thinking of such an innocent time _now_ , when they’re both naked and Kibum’s hands are pushing Jonghyun’s legs apart and he’s so aroused it almost hurts. But it seems apt, to think about the boy he loved then, and the man he loves now, and remember that they are the same person.

 

‘Fuck,’ Kibum mutters, as he pushes in slow and deep. And Jonghyun can only dig fingers into the small of Kibum’s back because it _stings_ , and not in the good way. He wants to tell Kibum to move, but cannot get words pass the gritting of his teeth. As if paying attention to Jonghyun’s thoughts, Kibum shifts and thrusts, steady and slow; and pain unwinds into pleasure. When Kibum shifts again and his cock presses against that one point again, Jonghyun’s head falls back, a strained cry bubbling up from his mouth. ‘Found it,’ Kibum whispers.

 

They move together like it isn’t the first time, like they’ve known each other’s bodies for longer than just this one night. And as the heat between them builds, Jonghyun finds himself wishing it could be forever. He reaches up to draw nails down Kibum’s back as the pleasure turns his limbs weak and his mouth vulgar. ‘Faster,’ he whispers, voice hoarse. His cock is screaming for attention and friction, precum leaking out and sliding down, but when he brings one hand down to stroke it, Kibum pushes it away. ‘Please,’ Jonghyun babbles, mindless and desperate. ‘Please.’

 

‘Come for me,’ Kibum whispers, curling his own long fingers around the base of Jonghyun’s cock, and it feels like a blessing when he starts fisting up in time to his thrusts. Jonghyun rocks up in the same rhythm, like being dangled from puppet strings, a slave to the feel of Kibum in him, to Kibum’s fingers gripping his cock, to Kibum’s eyes watching him as he writhes and cries and finally orgasms, hot splatter between their bodies. Kibum fucks him through the aftershocks, thrusts turning erratic until he orgasms too, falling limply onto Jonghyun.

 

‘God,’ Jonghyun says, when he gets his breath back. ‘We should have done that ages ago.’

 

‘I told you,’ Kibum says, but his snark is exhausted.

 

‘I’ll get a cloth,’ Jonghyun offers, but Kibum laughs.

 

‘Stay there,’ he says.

 

There’s an odd gentleness in the way Kibum insists on cleaning them both up, and strange tenderness in the way he runs the cloth over Jonghyun’s body. And when they both curl up together to fall asleep, too tired to move to their bedrooms, it doesn’t feel awkward.

 

‘I love you,’ Kibum whispers into the silent atmosphere, just as he falls asleep, like it’s a reflex dropping from his tongue, like he hadn’t quite meant for Jonghyun to hear. Jonghyun thinks that maybe he’s imagined it, that he’s fantasized so often about Kibum loving him that his subconscious has turned rogue. But when he glances at Kibum to question him, Kibum has already fallen asleep. Jonghyun shakes his head. _I’ll ask him tomorrow,_ he thinks, but the smile that stretches across his face is more hopeful than he thinks it should be.

 

~-~

 

Jonghyun wakes up surprisingly early the next morning, and even though the ache in his lower back makes it hard to move, he’s happy. Ridiculously happy actually. The memory of Kibum’s words are swirling in his head and he’s more sure than ever that he _had_ said them. A mistake or a truth slipped out when most vulnerable? Jonghyun hopes it’s the latter. Even the muted pounding of his head isn’t a detraction to the sheer happiness.

 

He hums gently to himself as he showers, and prepares food; humming turning slowly into singing. And when Kibum finally wakes up about an hour later, Jonghyun is belting out a particularly upbeat song.

 

‘Why are you being a fucking alarm clock?’ Kibum mutters as he wanders into the kitchen, mouth open in a yawn. ‘God, my head hurts,’ he says, raising his arms in a stretch. Jonghyun’s eyes slide slowly up his body, long legs and flat stomach and his cock that had felt so good the night before.

 

‘What? You want another round?’

 

‘Do you regret it?’ Jonghyun asks.

 

‘No, it’s just sex right?’

 

Jonghyun looks at him contemplatively. ‘You know,’ he begins carefully. ‘Last night you said you loved me.’

 

Kibum freezes mid-stretch, eyes widening. And for a moment, it’s like he’s a full sized marble sculpture.

 

Then he does an abrupt turn and rushes into the bathroom without acknowledging Jonghyun’s statement.

 

‘What the fuck, Kibum!’ Jonghyun yells at him through the bathroom door.

 

‘Go to work, Jjong,’ Kibum says, almost too calmly. ‘You’re gonna be late.’

 

‘Are we not talking about this?’ Jonghyun asks.

 

‘I don’t want to.’

 

When he hears the shower turn on, Jonghyun sighs. Kibum is stubborn, if doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t. Jonghyun wears him down usually, but early in the morning on a day with four different classes is not quite the time for that.

 

‘We are going to talk, Kim Kibum,’ he shouts, just as he leaves.

 

~-~

 

‘So you guys had sex,’ Minho says, in that long suffering tone he puts on whenever Jonghyun brings up Kibum. ‘He said he loves you, but now he doesn’t want to talk about it. And _you_ , for some completely out-of-character reason, didn’t tell him you love him too.’

 

‘I was trying to find out what he meant first!’

 

‘How many meanings can _I love you_ have?! Don’t answer that, I don’t need a Literature essay.’

 

Jonghyun groans quietly into his soup. And Minho rolls his eyes and dramatically stiffens his spine.

 

‘Did it occur to you,’ he begins. ‘I’m giving advice here so pay attention; that maybe he thinks you’re making fun of him? That now that you know, he’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to wreck things and is now afraid everything will change. That maybe you and him are exactly the same and that I have spent three of my four years here listening to you whine about him when you two could probably have been fucking like rabbits and leaving me completely and blissfully ignorant of _everything_?’

 

‘He might not have meant it,’ Jonghyun points out.

 

‘Yeah, that’s why he locked himself in a bathroom when you asked. Impressive analysis, standing ovation worthy, really.’

 

‘It would help more if you weren’t so sarcastic.’

 

‘It would help more if _you_ didn’t tell _me_ anything.’

 

Silence falls between them and Jonghyun sighs again.

 

‘Just go tell him. Start off with ‘I love you, too, you know?’ And see how it goes. Okay?’

 

Under Minho's solemn gaze, Jonghyun nods mutely.

 

‘Now, _please_ can we talk about that basketball game that will be happening over the next weekend?’

 

Jonghyun snorts. ‘Fine.’

 

~-~

 

The plan would have worked if Kibum had come home at a regular time that night, but he doesn’t.

 

He doesn’t for the next three nights. In fact, Jonghyun doesn’t see him at all. He sneaks in after Jonghyun has gone to sleep and creeps out before Jonghyun wakes up and it’s overall a very annoying situation.

 

On the fourth morning, Jonghyun wakes up at five a.m. and takes a seat just outside Kibum’s door. ‘Good morning,’ he greets Kibum, when the door opens and an exhausted Kibum appears. ‘How many hours of sleep have you been getting these past four days?’

 

‘Jjong!’

 

‘Wow, you still recognize me,’ Jonghyun comments, unintentionally snide. ‘Why are you avoiding me? You say you love me, then refuse to talk about it and now sacrifice sleep just to avoid seeing me. Very mature.’

 

‘I-’ Kibum’s hands twist together in the way that means he’s very stressed. The silence stretches between them, pressing on lungs like too much lead.

 

‘Fine. I love you, okay? I’ve loved you _forever_ I think. And I know you don’t return the feelings, and I shouldn’t have said it, or well probably should’ve told you in a better way. And I also know you definitely wouldn’t have had sex with me if we hadn’t been drinking in the first place. I didn’t mean to tell you, or you weren’t supposed to hear, and I-’

 

Jonghyun shuts him up by striding over to kiss him, hands curled around Kibum’s cheeks. He can feel Kibum’s shocked gasp against his mouth.

 

‘Silly,’ he says, when he pulls away. ‘I love you too. Much longer than forever, maybe.’

 

There’s a long moment in which no one speaks, and even breath seems difficult to catch. Then, a light flares in Kibum’s eyes, so bright, and the smile that unfurls across his face makes Jonghyun think that Kibum will always be the most beautiful view in the world to him.

 

‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’ Kibum asks.

 

‘Why didn’t _you_ tell me?’ Jonghyun asks back, smiling softly. His fingers dance lightly over Kibum’s cheekbone and Kibum leans into his touch.

 

'I was scared,’ Kibum admits softly, and he presses close into Jonghyun, letting out an almost relieved sigh, arms crossing around Jonghyun’s waist.

 

Jonghyun pulls him even closer and presses his mouth against Kibum’s throat and thinks to himself that sometimes life surprises him, sometimes life can be very very good.

 

‘Hey,’ he says, a little while later. ‘Do you think we can both call in sick today?’

 

Kibum meets his gaze and mischief sparks across his face. ‘Yes, let’s do that.’

 

He winds fingers around Jonghyun’s wrists and tugs him back into his room. Jonghyun laughs, the sound like solid happiness in the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**remember**

in which kibum pretends he doesn't remember.

_i can't remember if i've ever shared this but i just found it haha._

* * *

 

 

"Kim Kibum, if I'm not mistaken."

 

The voice speaking to him is light and soft, and reminds him of a summer breeze brushing against the back of his neck. And when Kibum looks up he's met with someone he swears he's never seen before. They're slightly shorter than him, earnest eyes, pouting mouth, slightly crooked nose, lean muscle along limbs. Distinct, he thinks, striking. Someone he should recognise, especially since this person seems to recognise  _ him. _

 

"You are?" His smile is polite but guarded, an attempt at cordiality that combats the easy familiarity of the person before him. 

 

The person laughs lightly, leans against the counter and tilts their head to the side. "You don't remember? You used to be in love with me." Their tone is mischievous and teasing and Kibum feels exasperation rise up in his chest. 

 

"I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone," he says curtly. The person laughs again, lower, darker. 

 

"How sad, you really don't remember…" Their gaze lingers on Kibum's legs, draws slowly up his body until they meet his eyes, and a slow smile unfurls.

 

Kibum rolls his eyes up; he hates casual flirts, hates people who try to force strangeness into the shape of familiarity. It takes time to understand what goes on under his skin, and he doesn't like people who pretend to have x-ray vision. 

 

"You're the one teaching me for this shift, aren't you?" He says, changing the subject fluidly. He sticks out a polite hand. "My name is Kibum, but apparently you already knew that. What's yours?"

 

"Kim Jonghyun," the person says, and they slide a dry hand into Kibum's. The name lights something up in a dark recess of Kibum's mind, makes his heart clench, but he pushes it aside for the time being, in preference of the practicality of finding out what he needs to do in his first coffee shop shift. 

 

Jonghyun turns out to be a pretty good guide and mentor, efficiently showing him the ropes and what to do in a standard shift, dropping tips and anecdotes along the way At least, when they aren't asking Kibum why he doesn't remember them, when they aren't quietly checking Kibum out from the corner of their eye. It should be disconcerting, and maybe it is, but Jonghyun seems harmless, and there's something...almost thrilling about being looked at like that, like he's a beautiful wild creature someone wanted to capture. But Kibum doesn't let himself get caught, not really, not ever.

 

"Kim Jonghyun," he murmurs to himself as he begins the commute home. Why does it sound familiar?

 

~-~

 

"He was your best friend all through middle school, and you confessed to him in the first year of high school. He rejected you and you stopped talking to him and then he had to move to a different state. You never talked about him after that, so we never did too." Jinki supplies the information without missing a beat when Kibum asks. 

 

"Did you really forget him?" Jinki asks gently, when the clenching of his fingers on the whiskey glass is all the reaction Kibum gives.

 

"I did," Kibum whispers, a wondering tone in his voice. "Can you imagine, I actually did." The memories come back in a rush, the laughter Jonghyun always managed to pull out of him, the soft lullaby of his voice when he hummed a tune. He had been smaller then, less muscled, baby fat still on his face. He was the only one willing to go on the "safe" rides in amusement parks with Kibum, mockery only slight. He would laugh into Kibum's shoulder and sling an arm around his waist and sing into his ear. He was always writing, and disappeared into a different world sometimes. But he would always come back to Kibum. 

 

Until the day, when Kibum told him, in shaking words, about the feelings that rose up in and overflowed. A rush of words, apologetic and helpless. And later, there would be rumours that Jonghyun had laughed and mocked him, had scorned their friendship and Kibum's heart. But Kibum remembers the sorrow in Jonghyun's eyes and the gentle graze of his hand over Kibum's cheekbones. He hadn't needed to say anything much, and Kibum had run and hidden away, and then Jonghyun was gone.

 

It's no wonder he had chosen to push away the memories.

 

"He was so popular, do you remember?' Minho puts down his beer glass and leans his cheek against his hand. "He wasn't very athletic, but he joined basketball. Remember? It was ridiculous. He was too damn short! But the coach let him in, and the girls loved him." 

 

Taemin snorts into his vodka. "I only remember how jealous you were."

 

Minho scowls, but doesn't deny it.

 

"It was the musician thing," Taemin puts in. "'Look at this musician boy trying out sports! How cute.' He wasn't horrible though."

 

"He was awful," Minho grouses, unappeased.

 

"They," Kibum corrects, remembering. "They're different now. I don't think they do sports anymore. They never liked it…they only did it 'cos the coach said to."

 

Minho raises an eyebrow at the correction, then shrugs when Kibum nods. "They're probably doing music. Remember? They were really good. Or at least, that's what you always said."

 

Kibum grins, thinking of the songs Jonghyun wrote him, all those years ago, their voice in his ear, the intensity of the way they would compose. "I hope they are," he whispers. "I really do."

 

"You could ask," Jinki suggests gently. "After all, you're both at that coffee joint now. College students working vacation jobs. You could bond again, try again."

 

Kibum shrugs and elects not to say that Jonghyun had been flirting, subtly  _ and  _ obviously, that he had caught their eyes pinned to him when they thought he wasn't looking. That at some point, he had caught himself tracing the veins along their arms with his eyes, wondering what it would feel like to under his fingertips and mouth. It was stupid, but a part of him thought maybe whatever was truncated in the before could begin again in the now.

 

Stupid.

 

~-~

 

"Remember me yet?" Jonghyun asks, half smile on his face, when Kibum comes in for his next shift.

 

"Why is it  _ still _ you?" He casts an annoyed glance at Jonghyun.

 

"I requested," Jonghyun says simply. And Kibum thinks their smile is incandescent.

 

Kibum growls under his breath. "Why?"

 

"You used to be in love with me," Jonghyun replies, easy smile still on their lips. "I wanted to get to know you again."

 

"I  _ don't _ know you," Kibum mutters, turning away. A lie he hadn't meant to actually use. Jonghyun's face drops just for an instant, but their grin bounces back.

 

"I'll make sure you remember!" They start setting up the machines, and throws Kibum his apron and it's just too late to admit he lied.

 

It becomes a habit, sassing Jonghyun each time he walks in, holding back a secret breath of relief because it's still them. Jonghyun grinning, good-naturedly, asking if he remembers yet, and Kibum always always saying no.

 

They talk about other things too, about Kibum's art and design course, ("Oh, not fashion?" Jonghyun asks, stare too close. Kibum explains it's a part of the programme and they smile, and Kibum doesn't want to admit that he's touched Jonghyun remembers.) about Jonghyun's music and their band, (formed with a few of their college buddies. They offer information of the next one to Kibum like an afterthought, and Kibum nods but doesn't promise.) make quiet jokes about the customers, and the girls who flirt with Jonghyun, the boys who flirt with Kibum. ("Stereotypical, aren't they," Jonghyun remarks. "The prettier one is always gay?" "You're pretty too," Kibum says, without thinking. And Jonghyun's eyes land on him with a brightness to them he wants to shy away from. "Really?" "Yeah." It's too late to take it back anyway.)

 

One day, when they're cleaning up Jonghyun darts a glance at Kibum and says casually, "I like both, you know."

 

"Both?" Kibum's cloth keeps moving but his focus is on Jonghyun.

 

"Boys and girls," they say. They grin when Kibum's hands stop moving too. "Does that surprise you?"

 

Kibum stares at them, thinking back to the gentle rejection ("Kibum, I'm not, I don't-")

 

"But you said- you told me-" He stops, catches the words before they slip out, clasps hands quickly over his mouth for good measure. Jonghyun looks at him mutely and Kibum can almost see the realisation dawning.

 

"I have to go," Kibum says hurriedly. He throws off the apron and grabs his bag and hurries out of the shop before Jonghyun can fully realise exactly what that exclamation meant.

 

~-~

 

"They like both," he tells Minho on the phone without preamble.

 

"Both? What? They?" 

 

"Jonghyun! Likes both! Men and women!" Kibum likes to think he restricts his hysteria to selected spaces.

 

"That's a good thing, right?" Minho is useless at this, why didn't he call Jinki?

 

"No, it's not! It's- They said! They didn't, they couldn't and they- Broke my heart." He can feel tears rushing in and his voice is trembling. "God, why do I still care?"

 

"Because you've been playing buried treasure with this for the past four years," Minho says quietly.

 

"I hate them," Kibum whispers, viciously. "I  _ hate _ them. No. No, I don't and they're attractive now, even more than last time. Why is this happening again?"

 

"Fate," Minho offers promptly. And after a pause. "You know, back then you called them 'he', maybe other things have changed too."

 

Kibum's hand tightens around his phone. "Maybe," he allows. "Maybe."

 

~-~

 

"You remember," Jonghyun accuses when Kibum comes in for the next shift. 

 

"How long will you be on the same schedule as me?" Kibum looks away from Jonghyun and starts writing out the specials on the board.

 

"As long as I want," Jonghyun says, and it almost sounds like a threat. "You remember," they repeat. They curl fingers over Kibum's wrist, and Kibum's ensuing jerk sends the chalk down a white line across the blackboard.

 

"Yes," he says finally, relenting. He erases the mistake and turns to look at Jonghyun. 

 

"Why did you lie?" Jonghyun's face is full of consternation and confusion. And Kibum wants to laugh a little, a lot, at their innocence.

 

"You broke my heart," he says, simple, matter-of-fact. "Why would I want you to remember that?"

 

Jonghyun looks like they want to say something to that, but a glance at the clock tells them otherwise. "Have a meal with me," they say, eyes intense. "We'll talk."

 

And Kibum finds himself agreeing.

 

~-~

 

The shift passes very quietly, like that mention of an upcoming talk holds too much of an apprehension. Kibum starts a few sentences in his head but swallows them back down before they can creep past his lips. When he glances at Jonghyun, he catches them look away too hastily. There's a bubbling of fear flowing up his throat. He's terrified.

 

~-~

 

"I missed you," Jonghyun begins, no fanfare. Kibum glances up from where he's busy studying the menu and blinks at them. 

 

"I did." A smile flickers. "I do."

 

"What do you want to talk about?" Kibum ignores the anxious butterflies fluttering in his stomach. 

 

"I missed you," Jonghyun repeats, their smile is crooked. 

 

"Do you want to order?" The waitress has the worst (or best, to Kibum) timing. He looks up at her and smiles slightly too enthusiastically.

 

~-~

 

"Why?" It's Kibum who draws them back on topic now. 

 

"Why what?" Jonghyun quips.

 

"Why did you miss me?"

 

"Because." Jonghyun's shrug is easy. "Who really knows why you miss someone. Maybe it's the tone of their voice, the pitch of their laughter. Maybe it's the warmth of their skin or the colour of their eyes. Maybe it's just they're the first person you want to tell everything to, and the last person you want to say goodnight to. Maybe it's all that. Maybe it's none." Their smile is still crooked, still slightly off kilter.

 

"That tells me nothing at all," Kibum says. He looks down at his food; pasta in some sort of pinkish cream sauce; and stirs it listlessly. There is little motivation to eat. Too much silence at their table, filling his stomach.

 

"You were my best friend, Kibum," Jonghyun says finally. "Why wouldn't I miss you?"

 

"Were," Kibum repeats, emphasis heavy. 

 

It's another good-natured shrug that answers him, and maybe he's tired and cranky but the stubborn nice-ness of Jonghyun is making him stir crazy.

 

"I broke your heart, huh?" Kibum snorts at Jonghyun's question. He figures it should be a good thing one of them has decided to be direct.

 

"I was young. Young people get their hearts broken every fortnight."

 

"You broke mine too, you know." That's enough to get Kibum to look up with rounded eyes.

 

"You disappeared; never answered calls, stopped sitting with me in class, told your parents you didn't want to see me, never texted, never called, never even said hello. I wanted to tell you before I left, that I changed my mind, that maybe I  _ could _ . That sometimes you smiled and I wondered whether I would find anything else quite as beautiful, that I wanted to keep you with me, fingers interlocked, that your laughter was my favourite thing. That I missed you. But you disappeared. And I didn't tell you before, because I didn't know until you were gone, and then I couldn't tell you. But you're here and I think I still want a chance, if you'll have me."

 

Jonghyun turns their hands palms-up and open. And the look they cast Kibum is searching and hopeful. 

 

"Is there a hidden camera?" 

 

Jonghyun is shocked into a laugh at Kibum's question. "We're not celebrities," they point out.

 

"But how?" Kibum whispers. "You were so sure it was impossible back then."

 

"To quote a friend, sometimes you don't know until you  _ do _ know," Jonghyun grins.

 

"Jinki likes saying that," Kibum says quietly. He doesn't wait for a reply, just reaches over to slide his hand over Jonghyun's. As their fingers interlace, Jonghyun tilts their head. 

 

"Does that mean yes?"

 

Kibum smiles. "What do you think?" 


	5. Chapter 5

**flowers in the lungs (jjong pov)**

in which kibum suddenly starts pushing jonghyun away.

_ hanahaki disease (: posted this on tumblr. _

 

* * *

 

kibum doesn't talk anymore. or eat. or drink. at least not in the presence of people. he's quiet and muted, empty. like a faded imprint of what he used to be -- vivid, colourful, bright.

 

_ i have my reasons, _ kibum said over text. and he must have, they must be legitimate, because their lecturers say nothing either; adjust his oral assignments so they're all written, stop putting him into group projects. they look at kibum with sorrowful eyes sometimes, and most times the gaze travels to land square on jonghyun as well. but they are reasons he doesn't want to tell jonghyun.

 

"you're my fucking oldest friend, i deserve to know what the fuck is going on." 

 

his rage is only met with blank silence, and then kibum walks away. two minutes later jonghyun's phone goes off.

 

_ it's something you wouldn't ever want to know. _

 

jonghyun wants to throw his phone against the wall, watch it shatter. the way kibum seems to want their friendship to.

 

"let him be," minho advises. "that's what he wants anyway."

 

minho is kibum's best friend. jonghyun is his oldest friend but minho is his  _ best.  _

 

"you know something. what do you know? what is he not telling me?" the pitch of jonghyun's voice rises with each question but he doesn't care. 

 

but minho shakes his head, the expression on his face unutterably sad. "i can't tell you," he whispers. "just leave him be."

 

_ "i don't want to, i-" _ love him. is what he wants to say, but he swallows it back. because the first person he should be saying this to is kibum.

 

"you..?"

 

"i don't want to," jonghyun repeats miserably.

 

minho reaches out and pulls him into a one-armed hug.

 

~-~

 

despite jonghyun's efforts, kibum manages to avoid him, through every lecture, every tutorial, that cafe in the mall he always forced jonghyun to go to, his favourite shops, the orphanage they volunteer at, avoids him even when, at the end of his rope, jonghyun drops by kibum's house. 

 

"go away jonghyun," kibum says from behind his locked door. his voice, the first time jonghyun has heard it in months, is breathless and broken and it makes jonghyun abort his plan to force his way in. 

 

"kibum, i- i miss you," he says eventually. there is no reply to his statement except a despairing sob.  _ i miss you too,  _ he thinks he hears kibum reply. but it's too muffled to really make out. he sits there, imagining he can hear kibum breathe, but probably listening only to his own breathing, irregular and shallow. trying not to cry, wishing he could.

 

minho is entering the house as jonghyun leaves, and he nods in recognition, sympathetic smile on his mouth. no, a pitying smile. and maybe jonghyun deserves the pity, since kibum seems intent at sawing at the rope stretched between them, turning it into fraying threads. 

 

_ i just...need you to pretend we don't know each other. _

 

_ i guess asking why would be futile.. _

 

_ i'm sorry _

 

_ so am i. _

 

jonghyun locks his phone and lets out a shaky laugh. he doesn't know where all that came from, doesn't know how kibum could go from bodily leaning against him when he was tired, from barging into his room uninvited, unannounced, from talking deep into the night, to not talking, not even acknowledging him, pretending everything they've had for years was an illusion.

 

it's been four months of this and he thinks maybe minho is right, maybe he should just...let him go.

 

~-~

 

and he does, almost, kind of. 

 

well, he tries very hard anyway. 

 

tries not to notice how the flesh fades away from kibum's body, how he turns almost skeletal, how his skin -- once so luminescent -- is grey and dull, how his eyes are hollow. he tries not to listen when minho hisses softly at kibum; secrets or urges or pleas, jonghyun doesn't know. instead he focuses on how kibum consistently shakes his head, stubborn to a fault.

 

he tries to ignore the way he wants to curl arms around kibum and pull him close and make him smile again, make him laugh again. make him look at jonghyun like the sun is shining from his eyes, so bright jonghyun wants to look away but doesn't.

 

and it works. almost. kind of. 

 

well, no one can say he's not trying. 

 

a few days later, kibum topples off his chair in the middle of a literature tutorial in a dead faint and all trying flies out the window. 

 

jonghyun has time to hear minho curse and shout kibum's name before he's running to kibum's desk, the first after minho to react. 

 

"i need to just-" he hears minho mutter as he gently lays kibum flat on the floor. "what was it the doctor said…"

 

"how can i help?"

 

minho looks up, meets jonghyun's eyes and as recognition kicks in, curses again. "you...could probably help best by not being here," he says tiredly.

 

"are you still intent on keeping his fucking secrets  _ now? goddammit _ choi." jonghyun would have hit minho across the face if kibum hadn't been lying between them, barely breathing, thin and shrunken and terrifying. their classmates' panicked murmuring is all around them, his teacher is asking minho questions, but he cannot hear anything besides his own heart beating in his ears. cannot see anything but kibum, pale, silent, broken kibum.

 

minho squeezes his eyes closed. when he reopens them, there's something old in them. 

 

"just help to pull out the flower," he says to jonghyun, gently pulling kibum's slack mouth open. "the doctor said sometimes they grow too far and they block air supply so you gotta reach in and pull it out." 

 

"flowers? i don't-"

 

"i'll explain later, or maybe, for once, this guy will. just-"

 

and then jonghyun is reaching his fingers in and it shouldn't be real but he grips the velvety petals and pulls out a whole flower, splattered with spit and blood.  _ kibum's _ spit and blood.

 

"what the fuck."

 

"hanahaki disease," says the awed voice of a girl in their class, answering his unspoken question. "the unrequited love disease."

 

"who-" minho lets out a mocking laugh before jonghyun finishes his question.

 

"why do you think he was avoiding you?"

 

"minho, i will kill you." the voice is very quiet and hoarse, but familiar, and to jonghyun, the most beautiful.

 

"i'm very sure this will kill you first." there are tears shimmering in minho's eyes when he looks down at kibum. 

 

"help me up." kibum sits up slowly with minho's help and he doesn't look at jonghyun at all, not even at the bloody flower jonghyun still has clenched in his fist. there are petals falling from his mouth when he talks, dotted with blood.

 

it's like he just wants to carry on with the lesson, like he hadn't fainted, like there weren't flowers growing in his chest, like minho hadn't basically told everyone kibum was in love with jonghyun.

 

"no," jonghyun says out loud. "no. we need to talk." and he takes hold of kibum's wrist and pulls him up and out the door. he can feel kibum's desperate struggle but the slow deterioration of his body bowing to the illness makes it ineffective. from the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees minho smile. 

 

when they reach an empty corner of the school garden he stops, pulling kibum down to sit with him next to a tree. kibum sits but averts his gaze, choosing to stare intently at the bird darting around the grass beside them instead.

 

"you're in love with me?" and jonghyun curses his own lack of control then, because the sheer relief and glee from that fact bubbles out of him in laughter, and from the look on kibum's face he thinks it cruelty.

 

"if you got me here to make fun of me, i would like to go." kibum still isn't looking at him. he would probably have left if jonghyun's fingers weren't still tight around his wrist.

 

"you're in love with me." this time it isn't a question, and he lifts a hand to gently turn kibum's face towards him. kibum keeps his gaze carefully away though, staring somewhere beyond jonghyun's shoulder. 

 

"and i'm in love with you." jonghyun's confession is barely above a whisper, but it's enough to get kibum to drag his gaze back to lock eyes with jonghyun.

 

"don't lie." but there is hope lighting in his eyes now. 

 

"i'm in love with you," jonghyun repeats and when he moves forward to curl arms around kibum's waist and press lips to his neck, kibum lets him. "i love you."

 

kibum stiffens in his arms at the words and then he screams, high and agonised; his hands come up to claw into jonghyun's back. jonghyun thinks he should take him to the nurse, or ask what's wrong, but kibum's body is trembling and his fingers are digging into jonghyun's flesh so instead he just holds himself still and waits.

 

when kibum's scream breaks it turns into a gasping sob, and he pulls away from jonghyun. there's something incandescent in his expression. "i can breathe," he whispers. he touches his lips, his throat, his chest. "i can  _ breathe."  _

 

his eyes trail slowly back to jonghyun then dart away, like he's suddenly shy. "why didn't you  _ tell me?"  _ jonghyun asks. "why did you just let yourself get like this?"

 

"i'm masochistic?" kibum flashes him a small grin.

 

"silly," jonghyun says, the feeling in his chest is warm and fond. he leans forward and kisses the corner of kibum's mouth.

 

"kiss me properly," kibum says, eyes bright.

 

"tell me you love me first."

 

he laughs when kibum's mouth twists into a pout.

 

"i love you," kibum says, almost under his breath. 

 

"i love you," he repeats, louder.

 

and jonghyun leans closer.

 

the third time kibum says 'i love you,' it's against jonghyun's mouth.

 

~-~

 

("hate to interrupt the party, but ms park says to tell you she's glad kibum is well again and everything but class is still ongoing."

 

"guys, seriously, you can kiss after class."

 

"do you want me to get cold water? i can do that."

  
"i  _ did _ warn you.")


	6. Chapter 6

**flowers in the lungs** **(key's pov)**

_this was posted on tumblr. i love hanahaki disease_

 

* * *

 

the first time kibum throws up petals, he's very aware of the fact that jonghyun is hovering outside the closed toilet door. out of concern, he'd offered to go in too, but kibum had been intelligent for once and demurred.

"bummie? you ok?"

kibum stares at the petals floating on the water in the toilet bowl. _no i'm not_ , he thinks. because of course he knows what this is, of course he knows who it's for.

"bummie?"

a knock on the door, two.

"can you let me in? i'm worried."

"bummie?"

kibum determinedly flushes the petals away. _do they choke up the toilet?_ and calls out to jonghyun. "i'm fine, but can you...go home first? i'd like to be alone."

there's a pause while jonghyun seems to consider his options. kibum holds his breath. he doesn't know how to explain it, doesn't know if he wants to. _so i just threw up petals because flowers are growing in my chest...because i'm in love with you. it's no big deal really. i mean i could die, probably will, but you shouldn't worry about this._ he can almost see how jonghyun's soft eyes will widen and then fill with remorseful tears and the weepy, apologetic hug he'll be pulled into. because of course jonghyun doesn't love him back, that's why flowers have taken root in his fucking chest. _stupid stupid stupid._

"okay, i'll go first then? i'll see you tomorrow at school?" jonghyun's voice is uncharacteristically meek and kibum just _knows_ he thinks he did something wrong.

"yeah," kibum says, and jonghyun leaves. he can hear the murmured conversation with his mother before the front door closes and another knock sounds on the toilet door.

"kibum? jonghyun said you were feeling unwell?" "i'm fine, mum. i just...needed him to not be here."

there is a pause before his mother sighs. "you need to tell him you love him, you know?"

"one day."

his mother sighs again, heavier this time. "so stubborn, my baby boy."

then, "i'll call minho for you."

kibum allows himself a small grin. his mother knows him well.

 

~-~

"so what happened now?" kibum snorts at minho's over-acted exhaustion. he did so dearly love playing the long suffering best friend. not that he isn't exactly that down to his toes. especially when jonghyun is involved.

jonghyun had been jealous, when kibum started getting closer to minho. _it's like you're replacing me,_ he said. and it was true, but also wasn't. because minho is kibum's best friend, a kindred spirit of sort, like their souls were made of the same kind of matter; someone with whom he could just be. jonghyun is slightly different -- breaths held in anticipation, and touches that last too long, unspoken words and hidden glances, knots in his stomach, pain in his chest, want and need in equal measure. they are magnet and metal, summer and sun, sand and sea.

jonghyun is not his best friend, jonghyun is something more complicated and sometimes scalding to touch and he's not easy, at least not for kibum.

"i-" it doesn't quite matter what kibum planned to say or how to explain because the petals come out with a shallow cough.

"oh." minho's mask of disinterest is gone now. "well that isn't set in stone, you know that right?"

"trust you to find positive in everything," kibum scoffs. "what else could it mean?"

"they say-" minho pauses, like he doesn't know the words to use. "they say sometimes the flowers just grow from your own feelings, your own pain and your own perception. they're not a prophecy, just a manifestation of your own feelings."

kibum shakes his head. "i _know._ "

"jonghyun loves you too," minho insists, not the first time he has.

kibum shakes his head harder.

"if you would just _tell_ him…"

"if he loves me, he could tell me too."

" _i_ shall tell him then."

"no," kibum straight at minho, panic a drumbeat in his chest. "don't. if you tell him, i'll- i will kill you."

when minho's expression remains unimpressed, he adds, "i'll tell him, i will. i just- need time. don't tell him. _please._ "

it's obvious minho doesn't believe him, but he nods anyway, slowly. there's something gentle and sad in his eyes. kibum really doesn't deserve him.

~-~

jonghyun bounces up to him the next day, tenderness in his big eyes. "are you feeling better, bummie?" his smile is bright, and so so fond.

kibum's chest fills with that warmth and affection he always associates with jonghyun. but can't, shouldn't. a petal tickles the back of his throat, a painful reminder.

"yeah." as he walks to class, jonghyun keeps pace, burbling in his ear. kibum's answers are monosyllabic and disinterested and jonghyun's happy chatter soon slows into worried questioning.

"bummie? are you angry with me?"

when they get to class, kibum slips into the single empty chair next to minho in the front row, and jonghyun stands there for a moment, like a lost child; they always sat together. his perplexed eyes trace kibum's face.

"bummie? what's wrong?"

"nothing."

jonghyun's face scrunches up even more, and he looks far younger than his 22 years. he reaches forward to touch fingers to kibum's hand, and the way his face falls when kibum pulls away is like a splinter digging into kibum's heart.

"kibum?" but their lecturer enters before jonghyun can form any question and he has to trudge away to a set three rows behind. kibum imagines he can feel jonghyun's gaze still boring into the back of his head through the whole lecture.

"what the _fuck_ is wrong with you?" minho mutters under his breath.

"i decided i don't want to tell him. i'll just...deal with this," kibum says, just as soft.

"this will _kill!_ you."

"i know."

"fuck, kibum. stop being so fucking stubborn."

"i'll deal with this. maybe it'll go away on its own."

minho groans into his lecture notes, but he doesn't say anything else.

~-~

the rest of the day passes like that -- jonghyun running after kibum and trying to start a conversation and kibum giving him monosyllabic answers, ignoring him or just flat out walking in another direction. there's hurt in jonghyun's face that gets deeper each time and kibum feels it too, a pain that tugs at his own heart.

if anyone had asked him, he wouldn't know how to explain. surely he wouldn't want to hurt jonghyun, surely the love he carries in his heart would make him want to make sure jonghyun is happy, surely he wouldn't want to cause him pain. but kibum is desperately trying to protect what's left of his heart, terrified that one day he'll cough out petals in jonghyun's presence and everything will be revealed. he rather make jonghyun hate him than have him look at him in pity and sorrow.

~-~

soon kibum is hacking out whole flowers instead of just petals, clotted and stained with blood. and he's almost pleased at the grotesqueness of it all. it seems right that beautiful flowers are hurting him, because _jonghyun_ is beautiful and _kibum_ is hurting him.

when his mother finds out she cries. but by then kibum has resigned himself to the fact that death is inevitable. he doesn't agree when she begs him to take treatment, to get a surgery to remove the flowers. just listens to the words, sometimes shaking his head. he gets breathless easily now, sucking in breath without really feeling it. and once his mother forces his mouth open and pulls out a few bloodied flowers. when he smiles to thank her, she slaps him.

"your stubbornness will kill you. just _tell him_ ,"

"and then what? wait for him to reject me?"

" _yes!_ then get the surgery and you won't have to feel like this anymore."

"i love him," kibum says, hoarsely, watching the petals fall on the floor they're sitting on, bloody rain. "i love him. i don't want them to take that away."

"oh baby boy." his mother pulls him close and cries into his shoulder and he's sorry, so sorry. but it's not enough.

~-~

he stops talking, eating, or drinking in school. his lecturers read the note he brings from his doctor and look at him in curiosity and pity, but they agree to the suggestions so kibum doesn't care. the flowers grow tall enough to brush the back of his throat now, and sometimes minho will pull them out for him.

"you rather die than tell him?"

kibum nods, and almost hates himself when a stray ray of sunlight catches tears glittering in minho's eyes. almost, not enough. he's a flower garden walking around the college compound, and no one really knows.

it's a really strange, pathetically funny kind of secret. and he might've laughed, once, but he doesn't quite have enough breath for that anymore.

jonghyun still tracks him down in school, trying to talk to him, begging sometimes, and once he'd shouted in frustration. kibum thinks then that maybe it's finally working, that maybe jonghyun has started hating him. but that same day he comes over to kibum's house and his mother, the traitor, lets him in. kibum has just enough time to lock his room door before jonghyun can enter.

"kibum... why?" he sounds lost, and the tone tears a wound through kibum's chest.

"go away, jonghyun," he manages to say, and he hears jonghyun sniffle.

"bummie, i- i miss you."

"i miss you too," kibum admits, too soft to be heard by anyone but himself.

jonghyun sits at his door for a long while. as kibum sits on the other side, listening to jonghyun breathe, he wonders if maybe jonghyun's persistence means something, something he could pin hope to. but the thought barely forms before he pushes it away. the flowers obviously mean it's impossible.

~-~

when he collapses during a tutorial, he's surprised to feel relief flooding his body. _jig's up, nothing i can do now._ he hears minho's voice calling his name and thinks he hears jonghyun's just before the world goes black.

he wakes up to two of them talking, and to minho breaking his promise. jonghyun's fist is clenched around the bloodied flower pulled from kibum's body and when his eyes flicker over, kibum wants to hide.

"minho, i will kill you."

it hurts to talk but he manages it.

"i'm very sure this will kill you first."

but the sharp words are tempered by the affection and love and _tears_ in minho's eyes and kibum is sorry, so sorry. but he cannot turn back on this road now. he averts his eyes from jonghyun's gaze and sits up with minho's help. he figures he can probably answer questions now, since everyone has seen a flower plucked from his throat, he figures there's no point keeping secrets now. but jonghyun seems to think differently.

he grabs kibum's wrist, pulls him up and then they're racing down the corridor. kibum wants to twist his way out; in normal circumstances, maybe he could've but the illness is eating him from inside and he's left with no option but to follow as jonghyun leads.

"you're in love with me?" jonghyun asks when they stop and sit. before kibum can answer, jonghyun laughs, like he can't help it, bright, merry and so incredibly joyous. kibum feels shame twist with the flowers in his chest, clog his throat. he wants to run but jonghyun's fingers are still tight around his wrist. as he twists his arm, trying to shake jonghyun off, the laughter slowly peters away.

"if you got me here to make fun of me, i would like to go." he keeps his head turned away from jonghyun, and he probably looks like he's talking to the bird beside them.

jonghyun lifts his free hand and gently turns kibum's face towards him. "you're in love with me," he says again, and this time it's not a question.

"and i'm in love with you." jonghyun's voice is like a feather, so tentative and light.

kibum tries to breathe past the leap of his heart. "don't lie," he says, looking straight at jonghyun for the first time that day.

"i'm in love with you," jonghyun says again. he releases kibum's wrist and draws closer, sliding arms around kibum's waist. when he pulls him in, kibum lets him. "i love you," jonghyun whispers.

when jonghyun presses his mouth to kibum's neck, there's a sharp pain that zigzags through his chest. kibum thinks maybe that's what it would feel like if all the bones in his ribcage were being pulled out one by one. he screams and digs his fingers into jonghyun's back. jonghyun goes very very still, his arms still securely crossed around kibum's waist, and he waits. the pain dulls slowly, and when it finally fades away, kibum releases a gasping breath and pulls back from jonghyun.

"i can breathe," he says. "i can _breathe_." his finger traces a path from lips to throat to chest. jonghyun is staring at him, half smile fixed on his face and his gaze is so tender it makes kibum shy away.

"why didn't you tell me? why did you let yourself get like this?" kibum looks back to meet jonghyun's eyes.

"i'm masochistic?" his attempt at a mischievous grin falters under jonghyun's continued gaze.

"i was scared," he admits, quiet and still afraid. jonghyun says nothing at all to that, just shakes his head slightly. he leans forward and presses his mouth to the corner of kibum's, a single chaste kiss.

"kiss me properly," kibum says, lowly.

"tell me you love me first." jonghyun's mouth curves into a smirk when kibum pouts.

"i love you," kibum says, softer than breath. jonghyun leans closer, his breath mingling with kibum's.

"i love you," kibum repeats louder, leaning closer too, eyes involuntarily focusing on jonghyun's mouth.

"i love you," kibum says one more time as their lips brush. he can feel jonghyun smiling against his mouth. kibum closes his eyes and slings arms around jonghyun's neck. he thinks maybe the beauty of the flowers could never compare to the beauty of the boy in his arms.

~-~

("i can't believe you actually splashed cold water on us." kibum glares at an unrepentant minho.

minho shrugs casually. "i said i would so i did. plus i had a duty to bring you both back to class."

"teacher's pet," kibum mutters. "my makeup is probably smudged."

minho raises an eyebrow. "pretty sure that's more because you were vigorously making out with that boy there than because of the _small cup of cold water_ i threw at both of you."

"asshole."

"you love me." kibum doesn't respond immediately.

"maybe i do," he says softly to minho's departing back. after all, minho has been there even when kibum was too busy pushing everyone away.

"you love me too, right?" jonghyun fits his chin on kibum's shoulder, his tone is playful. kibum smiles gently and turns to face jonghyun. he curves fingers around jonghyun's chin and tilts his face up. "more than anyone else." jonghyun doesn't say anything in response, but his lips pressing insistently against kibum's is all the answer needed.

"seriously guys? do i need to get _another_ cup of water?")

* * *

 

 _(adding in the tags i put in the initial tumblr post about ontae's presence in this au: #anw tae is jjong's friend from piano class_  
#they're both taking diplomas  
#and jinki is tae's older brother  
#so that's where they are in this au  
#tae also knows kibum cos they're in the same dance school  
#but he doesn't know jongkey know each other  
#so it's fun when jongkey starts dating and jjong goes to meet key after dance class  
#and tae is like  
#wait what  
#jinki is a regular at ming's family owned restaurant and  
#ming has a small crush on him)


	7. Chapter 7

**it's seasonal**

kibum likes summer. jonghyun likes winter.

_this was posted on tumblr_

* * *

 

kibum likes it when summer rolls around; the heat, the sun. he'd raise his face at the warmth of sunshine like a sunflower blooming. he'd plan watersports and beach days, buy all the summer fashion, take his puppies to play in the sand. he'd lather on sunscreen and lie in the sun.

 

jonghyun hates summer. he'd draw the blinds closed and sit in semi darkness, lower the temperature of the air-conditioning until his teeth chatter and stubbornly refuse to leave the room. 

 

~~

 

jonghyun likes winter; the stark, crystalline beauty of the season, and the contrasting softness of snow. he likes wrapping himself in a blanket and nursing a cup of hot chocolate, silently watching the white beauty of the world.

 

kibum hates when the frost creeps in; hates the way he can never get warm enough, that no matter how many layers he wears, the chill still seeps through to run over his bones. he hates the cast of white over everything, like life has been bleached away. winter makes him think of death.

 

~~

 

jonghyun groans softly under his breath when kibum turns off the air conditioning. he can already feel the sticky touch of humidity on his skin. "today, we're going water skiing," kibum announces, a trace of faux cheer in his voice. this time, jonghyun's groan is louder. 

 

"you know i hate too much sun," he tells kibum, slight annoyance in his chest. "just go with minho."

 

the flash of hurt in kibum's eyes makes jonghyun regret the harsh words. he reaches out and grazes fingers over kibum's jaw, and opens his mouth to apologize. but kibum tightens his mouth and tugs at jonghyun's elbow and speaks first. "please? it'll be fun. you've never gone before. just try?" and there's pleading and hope in his expression, oddly young, strangely innocent and once again jonghyun is reminded about how absolutely twisted around kibum's finger he is.

 

"okay. but we leave when i say so." kibum nods obediently at his attempt at stern words, but there's something mischievous in his smile. 

 

jonghyun is not good at waterskiing. he falls off and into the water each time he tries, and where he might have sneered and quit, he doesn't, remembering the longing hope in kibum's look. instead he listens to his boyfriend's contagious laughter and watches the way his whole face scrunches up. kibum's gaze tracks him with concern each time he falls, but he just shakes his head, smiling. the water is cool, just enough to combat the blazing heat of the sun, and the wind rushing through his hair makes him forget the humidity.

 

when kibum steps up to take his turn, his effortless grace makes jonghyun feel like an ungainly teenager with too long limbs -- something he never was. kibum is lithe and elegant, balancing easily only the skis, as if he has an intrinsic understanding of the language of the waves, moving with it as one being. he falls in just once, and when he surfaces he's laughing. jonghyun wonders why he had always brushed off kibum's invitations earlier, why he hadn't let himself see this part of kibum before.

 

kibum crawls into jonghyun's lap when he gets back into the boat and smiles down at him, giddy happiness on the edges of his smile. "thank you for coming," he whispers and kisses him, uncaring of the people around. he tastes of saltwater. jonghyun sighs into kibum's mouth and pulls him closer and as kibum's arms tighten around his neck and the kiss deepens, he thinks that there are some types of heat he will always want.

 

~~

 

they're fighting about temperature again. more precisely, they're fighting about the thermostat. jonghyun wants it at temperatures that are, in kibum's words "frigid and numbing". and  _ kibum _ wants it, in jonghyun's words "sweltering". 

 

"if you wear more clothes, you'll be warmer," jonghyun says with infuriating calmness.

 

"if  _ you _ wear  _ less _ clothes…" kibum's words falter in his throat when jonghyun smirks and pinches at the single layer he's wearing. 

 

"surely you don't want me to walk around topless in winter?"

 

kibum's mouth pinches into a pout, even as heat flares in his gut. "fucker. why do i stay with you?" 

 

"because you love me?" kibum scowls at the flippant response and turns away. he closes his jacket tighter around himself and thinks that maybe sometimes jonghyun is a selfish bastard and that maybe sometimes he shouldn't love a selfish bastard.

 

a blanket draped over his shoulders shakes him out of his reverie, and he looks up to jonghyun offering a steaming mug and a repentant expression. "sorry i'm an ass."

 

kibum only hums in reply, taking the mug and sipping. "you put whiskey in this!" the hot coffee curls pleasantly down his throat, chasing away the chill.

 

"you're not an ass right now," he informs jonghyun, pulling him down and wrapping the blanket around them both. jonghyun sighs and pulls kibum closer by the waist. the heat emanating off jonghyun's skin makes kibum nuzzle close, pressing their bodies flush. kibum has an inkling that it's suddenly become too warm for jonghyun, but if it has, he doesn't mention it. all he does is brush his mouth over kibum's hair and hold him close. 

 

there's warmth in jonghyun's arms, even if the rest of the world is freezing.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**once**

you loved him once.

_i posted this a long long time ago._

* * *

 

You loved him once

You can say it now

You loved him once

You can even laugh about it now

Because the child you were then

Is not the man you are now

And the boy you loved then,

he’s-

_(breathe)_

You were just babies really,

one step on a path that shone almost too bright

You were sure the future would blind you

He stole your heart without quite looking

And you stole kisses and more when he wasn’t quite sure

He was curious

And you,

you were in love

The future isn’t quite what you expect

Spotlights are cold and terribly lonely

And the loneliness seeps through skin, cuts into bone

He keeps you warm for a time;

hidden kisses and misplaced longings

careless touches and sliding bodies

and hands in places they shouldn’t have gone.

You chase forever in the darkness of his eyes

And you let yourself think you’d found it.

~-~

 _Sorry,_ he tells you

Breaking away with your spit still shimmering on his lips;

a mark of you he hastily rubs away

_I can’t._

_(There’s a her;_

_there always is.)_

But it’s more than that

It’s the end of your game.

The die has been cast and he isn’t

What you can keep.

You laugh

Pretend his experiment had been yours too.

That your heart hadn’t been tumbling headfirst, heedless,

caught

trapped

broken.

You laugh and he smiles and you know he thinks it’ll be okay.

You know better.

The time after is black, too dense, too thick

Nearly swallows you whole

You nearly let it.

You wonder if he had always been oblivious

Or if it was always you who was really the fool.

You fix yourselves eventually

You learn to laugh again, joke again,

touch him without the juddering stopstart of your heart

The strings between you both are twisted now

And it’s too late to untangle them.

Too late to cut without tearing out too much of yourself

You learn to pretend he doesn’t make your breath turn solid in the center of your chest.

You survive it

Like you always do

You are a survivor

Perhaps that’s all you’ve ever been.

That time becomes a relic,

abandoned and laid to waste

One moment in a year of mistake.

No one says anything

But you think they all must know.

Yesterday he had laughed suddenly and the emotions had flown back

Too hard too fast

You remember why you fell

For a single suspended instant you are there again

A boy risking too much for much too little.

And maybe he realizes

Maybe the terror is shaded in the shadows of your eyes

Maybe he still knows you

Too well

His voice slides into diagonals and fades to an almost stop

Then the moment releases you

And you return his grin

You are not that boy of long ago

That boy died the day his heart broke

But he, maybe he still is the boy you loved once upon a time

Maybe he always will be.

sometimes you wish you could go back in time

change the ending of the story

of him and you

of you and him

you were so young then

much too young to realize that the kisses and touch

weren’t just kisses and touch

that he was more than just a game

a way to pass the time

that it meant something to him

that it meant something to you

that when he laughed your heart danced along

you are older now

much older

and that one year is just a memory

open mouthed kisses in darkened hallways

clutching hands and wandering fingers

when you thought no one was looking

the twist in your stomach the catch in your throat

and that look in his eyes when he cried out your name

you wanted him to drown in you

maybe he did

maybe without quite realizing it

he drowned you too

it is the past now

a game the you played and then gave up

without realizing what the forfeit was

on sentimental regretful days

you think you forfeited your hearts

strung up on too many lines

the prizes for winning

the sacrifice for losing

he lost his heart

and it was only later when it was all over

you understood that

you lost yours too

to his caustic tongue and obnoxious laughter, to his sharp eyes and his nimble brain and his gentle gentle hands

you wanted him then

sometimes 

you want him still

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**choices**

sometimes he wishes they had made a different choice

slight!angst

_this one.. i've posted here before._

* * *

jonghyun thinks they speak in code.

a half smile, a crooked laugh, truncated words that turn into phrases that no one else understands. they fit, he admits, wry and bitter, like loops of a golden chain, not binding, still free, but still linked, still touching, still together somehow. but he isn't jealous. not really. or at least that's what he tells himself.

it used to be him. used to be him who'd get the whispers in his ear, and the careless weight landing on his shoulder. used to be him who'd get a drunken phone call at 3 a.m. used to be him who'd listen to secrets, who'd dispense advice. used to be. and then it was like life took too intent a glance at them and snatched it away.

it hadn't been his fault, it really hadn't. but something unexpected had grown in the spaces between them, something that had made fear and anticipation throw ropes around his throat. like nooses, like death. although maybe it had been a death he was willing to try. once. 

but kibum knew better, he always did. perhaps that's why he had chosen to build a wall between them. perhaps that's why he clings to minho now. because minho is the safe harbour in the storm of life. he's always been. minho doesn't have secrets hidden in the silences between words, minho doesn't make simple breath mean something more.

perhaps that's why kibum never touches jonghyun in quite the same casual manner now.

perhaps he too felt the temperature that tilted just a little too high, the air that seemed to turn into nails hammered into his lungs. perhaps jonghyun isn't the only one with ropes wound tight around his chest. 

perhaps there were nights in the ignorance of the years before that he should have tugged kibum in and kissed him, dragged him over the line drawn in the sand before they were old enough to know better, before it became a barricade. perhaps they should have tried the maybes before they had become nevers. 

jonghyun had only ever mentioned it once. they were lying in right angles to each other on the floor of their dorm, cooler when it's summer. 

'kibum, you know i-' and kibum interrupted him before he could finish. 

'yeah, me too. but you also know we can't.' his voice was gentle but matter of fact, no room for argument.

jonghyun didn't respond, just reached out and linked his fingers with kibum's. 

this way is better. this way is safer. this way they get to stay together, breathing the same air, dancing on the same stage. this way they can still join hands and sing to hearts that love them. this way they can stay in each other's orbits, without destroying anything. 

but sometimes, when kibum looks at him from behind sunglasses, sometimes when they stand too close, sometimes when his breath crisscrosses with jonghyun's, he wishes they had made another decision.

* * *

_the previous chapter and this one were my attempts at trying to sort out my own headcanons of this ship. pretty things resulted so why not share._

 


	10. Chapter 10

**jackass**

in which jonghyun is an idol and kibum is a dj and this has zero plot.

almost r?

_i posted this before, i think._

 

* * *

 

"you're such a jackass sometimes, you know," kibum says, from where he's lying diagonally across their bed. "mister bigshot celebrity strutting about, wants everyone to sink to their knees before him." his voice is lazy almost, like it's a casual conversation. but the eyes pinned to jonghyun are challenging.

"sink to their knees?" jonghyun asks, raising his eyebrows. he puts down the bottle of whiskey on the side table and brings a shot to kibum. "the way you do?" he continues, the words whispered straight into kibum's ear. "the way you want to?" the barely repressed shiver makes jonghyun's mouth turn up into a smirk.

kibum turns away from him and throws back the shot, head tilted back and jonghyun can't help that his eyes slide down the length of kibum's neck. "are you sure i want to?" kibum asks, light, teasing, almost wicked. "or do i only do it because you beg?"

"please kibum, please please," he mimics, voice pitched higher and needy. he crawls over to where jonghyun is standing at the end of their bed and looks up at him, and when their gazes meet, jonghyun curses lowly. kibum has a way of looking at a person like he could promise the world, a way that makes you want without him even touching you, and jonghyun has had his dick in kibum's mouth and hands enough to know he gives everything he promises and more. _he leads you around by it, you know_ , his friend said once, but jonghyun thinks it's worth it.

"you are _so_ easy," kibum says, laughing, and the spell breaks. he swings his legs over the side of their bed, and strides over to where jonghyun left the whiskey bottle, pouring himself another generous shot.

the golden liquid splashes into the glass in slow motion and when kibum swallows the movement of his throat makes jonghyun's stomach tighten, makes him need to sit. "what about you?" he asks, and his voice is shaky at first, but gathers strength as the words build up. "mister hotshot dj who hits on all the hot guys in every club in itaewon."

the arch look on kibum's face tells jonghyun he's not backing down. "people want me, why not indulge them…" his words trail off and he crawls back on the bed, advancing on jonghyun. and jonghyun leans back on his elbows and gazes wide-eyed at kibum, and he doesn't look like a top-level idol anymore, he looks tiny, small, easily crushed, easily broken.

"indulge them..," he repeats, leaning down, and his lips just brush the shell of jonghyun's ear. and jonghyun's shiver is not suppressed at all. "and me."

"what do you think i do with them?" he whispers, soft like he's singing a lullaby, like the words aren't cruel, aren't pain.  "when you're not here? do you think i take them home and fuck them on our bed? make them scream the way you scream?" jonghyun squeezes his eyes shut. he hates what kibum is saying but he wants him still, wants wants wants. a dehydrated man grasping at every bit of water offered. he leans forward and pulls at the front of kibum's shirt and presses their mouths together, stopping kibum's taunting flow of words. and when they break apart and jonghyun rolls them over, kibum is laughing, abrasive and loud.

~-~

"god, why do i stay with you?" jonghyun asks later.

"because i blew you on the first date," kibum replies promptly. he crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue when jonghyun looks over.

"child," jonghyun berates, and kibum shrugs, unconcerned. he curls into jonghyun, presses a kiss to his neck, and tangles their legs together.

"do you really fuck other people when i'm gone?" jonghyun says moments later, breaking the peace. his voice isn't harsh, it's gentle, almost a plea. he isn't looking at kibum, instead staring at their intertwined fingers.

there's a confused silence after his words die away, like kibum cannot remember what he had said earlier, and then kibum laughs again, but this time it's affectionate. he closes his fingers on jonghyun's chin and tilts his head up so their eyes meet. jonghyun almost shies away, but kibum's expression is contrite.

"i was acting," he admits gently. "i like making you jealous." he leans forward and presses his lips to the edge of jonghyun's mouth, an apology.

"but i hate making you sad," he continues, his fingers trace the delicate frame of jonghyun's face.

"it would make sense though." jonghyun's voice is small. "tours take a long time, i'm away a lot, you're alone a lot. sometimes you just want a warm body next to you."

"if you can resist the fans throwing themselves bodily at you," kibum quips, "i can handle the boys at the clubs." his fingers wander to jonghyun's hair, brushing them gently from his eyes.

"i might be screwing fans every night of each tour, who knows." kibum sucks in a shocked breath, but when he looks, jonghyun has his mouth open in laughter.

"jackass."

"you reap what you sow."

kibum looks at the smug smile now on jonghyun's face and can't help smiling too. "i love you."

"i know."

"jackass."

"you say that a lot, don't you."

"..."

"i love you, too."

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**selfish**

maybe he shouldn't want it but he does.

side!minkey

angst and cheating i guess.

_i posted this before._

* * *

 

"no, you don't get to do this. stop avoiding me. jjong come on.  _ talk to me." _

kibum's fingers are tight on jonghyun's wrist, pressing too hard on the bone. jonghyun wants to roughly shake him off, wants to hurt him. but he's never really been able to hurt kibum.

"what's going on, jjong? we don't talk anymore. you never answer texts, never pick up the phone, never want to meet. you disappeared. and i know i'm dating minho now but that doesn't mean i'm not still your best friend. aren't we? still?"

jonghyun stares at kibum's fingers, still firmly wrapped around his wrist, but says nothing at all.

"jjong? aren't we?" kibum's voice is frail, like the slightest touch with make him shatter. jonghyun lets out a sudden laugh, wild, shaking and desperate. he laughs because he's frail too, brittle, and he thinks maybe he's already shattered.

"best friends? is that what we're supposed to be?" there's bewilderment in kibum's eyes now and he releases jonghyun and takes a small step back. "you confuse me, kibum. you with your laughter and your smile and your pretty pretty eyes. and i want to kiss you sometimes, i want to press you against this wall and kiss you, run fingers over your bare skin, make you fall apart. i want you. i  _ want _ you. but i also want to be with you. make you laugh, hold you when you cry, go on dates, be the first one you call, the most important. and fuck i don't know why i didn't realise this earlier but it doesn't matter now because you're with someone else now. you weren't supposed to know, or even care to know. you were supposed to- walk to your happy ending with your prince charming. but you're so  _ fucking stubborn. _ so here, you wanted to know. now you know." there is a challenge in the look that jonghyun throws kibum, almost cruel, almost crude. 

_ i want you. _

the words pull something dark up from within kibum. "you want to kiss me? then why don't you?" he dares, words escaping in a hiss between his teeth. "why don't you, kim jonghyun? are you scared?" 

jonghyun's eyes widen in shock and he swears violently under his breath. before kibum can say another word, jonghyun is crowding him into the wall behind them, pressing a bruising, close-mouthed kiss to his mouth, pulling back just as kibum wants to reciprocate, to deepen the kiss.

"are you happy now?" jonghyun whispers, his breath is ragged and the rage has dissipated into anguish, anguish that tears wounds into kibum's heart. 

"no," kibum whispers back. "i'm not."

and he reaches out and grips jonghyun's shoulders, pulls him close and captures his mouth again. jonghyun lets out a single shocked gasp against kibum's lips and then he's melting into the kiss, threading his fingers through kibum's hair. the kiss is sloppy this time, almost desperate, teeth and tongue and maybe he shouldn't want to, but kibum thinks he'd like to kiss jonghyun forever. 

the door swinging open beside them doesn't make them pull apart, but the ominous silence after does.

kibum feels his heart leap to his throat when he turns to meet the furious, and so terribly pained eyes of minho. out of instinct, he reaches forward but before actually touching him, lets his hand fall away. somehow it feels like if he touches minho's skin, they will both turn into dust.

minho just stares at them, letting the silence gather without saying a word. kibum feels the air seem to solidify around him, a slow suffocation. and he wants to grab ahold of jonghyun and hide in him, the way he used to, the way he still always does.

the silence is finally broken when minho laughs -- quiet, bitter, cold. "i always did wonder if this would happen someday. you're not exactly very subtle." his stare is sneering and cruel.

"i'm sorry," kibum whispers, his voice small. because what else can he say?  _ i've loved him forever and you... you were always just an attempt to move on. _

"you should be," minho replies. "but it's still not enough." when he stalks out, kibum covers his face with his hands and bursts into tears.

jonghyun watches kibum cry with a kind of urgent worry, almost gnawing at his fingernails. "don't cry," he murmurs. "you can go after him, forget about me. i'll deal with it. i can get over things. i'll have to not hang out with you for a while but-"

"oh shut up jjong, are you that dense?" kibum interrupts, looking up and angrily swiping at his tears. "i'm sorry about minho, i really am. but i don't want him back. i'm in love with  _ you _ . i want  _ you. _ i've loved you forever. it's fucked up but right now i don't care about anything else. i want  _ you _ ."

jonghyun stops talking abruptly, almost like someone had choked the words out of him. and tears pool slowly in his eyes. "oh," he says softly. 

"oh? is that all you can say?" kibum's teasing is slightly garbled from the remnants of tears but still so gentle.

jonghyun sniffs out a broken sob and kibum reaches forward, holding him close. "why are you  _ crying?" _

jonghyun pushes his face into kibum's neck, leaving tear streaks in the skin. "because i don't think- i should be- feeling- so happy," he wails.

kibum's smile is bittersweet. he doesn't reply that. instead he curls arms around jonghyun and lets him cry. he's broken something today, maybe irreparably. but what he's gotten in the midst of that brokenness, he thinks maybe he'll selfishly keep.

 

* * *

 

_i like writing snippets of things_

 


	12. Chapter 12

**silly**

in which jonghyun cries in public

_i've posted this before_

 

* * *

 

Jonghyun doesn't realize he's crying until a tear plops into his stew. 

 

From across the table, Kibum stares then starts laughing gently, more affection than snark. "Is the food that bad?" 

 

"No, it's not, it's-" and to his horror, he starts crying in earnest, tears and cracked sobs. In his peripheral vision, he sees the people in the next table tilt curious heads towards them. Kibum doesn't though, his eyes are fixed on Jonghyun. He exhales a startled breath and darts around the table to crouch next to him. "Jjong? Baby, what's wrong, talk to me."

 

"I don't know," Jonghyun almost wails, wiping ineffectually at his eyes. And he really doesn't. All he knows is he's spent a day feeling stretched, running to too many places, leaving too much paperwork undone. He's spent a day with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction with himself, a clawing sense of urgency that made him feel like everything was falling apart and he was going to sink in with the wreckage. And being with Kibum had untangled something in his chest, and let the tears escape.

 

"Okay," Kibum coos softly, "okay." He stands to wrap arms around Jonghyun's shoulders and pulls him close. Jonghyun finds his face buried somewhere in the realm of Kibum's chest. 

 

"Gonna ruin your shirt," he mutters into the cloth.

 

"Then you'll buy me a new one," Kibum almost sings, smile audible in his voice. He rocks Jonghyun from side to side, just like he's comforting a child.

 

Jonghyun snorts out a laugh.

 

"Bad day?" Kibum asks quietly after a silence has elapsed.

 

"Better now," Jonghyun replies. He looks up at Kibum and grins.

 

Kibum curls fingers around Jonghyun's chin. "Next time just tell me," he chides. "We don't have to go out if you're not up to it."

 

"But I wanted to see you," Jonghyun pouts. He tightens his grip around Kibum's waist.

 

"We could've just gone to my apartment," Kibum reminds him. "Silly."

 

"Very silly," Jonghyun agrees.

 

After a beat, he sneaks looks around and whispers, "Were people laughing at me?"

 

"Even if they were," Kibum whispers back. "I bet they just found it cute."

 

"You're ridiculous," Jonghyun says, but he's smiling. And the pressure in his chest has reduced to a hum.

 

"Wanna stay over tonight?" Kibum asks, brushing a hand over Jonghyun's hair.

 

A wide blinding smile is the only answer needed.


	13. Chapter 13

**relapse**

in which jonghyun makes the same mistake twice.

rated r!

_i posted this...back when i was on aff i think haha. cleaned it up a bit._

 

* * *

 

 

Jonghyun doesn’t know what he’s doing here. 

 

That’s not entirely correct; he  _ does _ know why he’s here. He’s here to be a part of Kibum’s bachelor party celebrations, of which he’s the best friend and had been assigned the duty of organizing which naturally he had flaked out on and hence, it’s currently just the five of them. And alcohol. And chips. And a really annoyingly loud video game that only Taemin and Minho seem to enjoy. 

 

Jonghyun is just waiting for the segment of the night where they would be allowed to start on the stack of anime DVDs he had brought.

 

All in all just a regular night.

 

Except for the fact that Kibum’s getting married in a week. And Jonghyun starts wondering again why he’s even here.

 

_ Congratulations on your marriage did you forgot we fucked some time last week? When you were drunk and so was I and I could pretend that it was the alcohol and it meant nothing.  _

 

Not that Kibum remembers. Since Jonghyun had crept away early in the morning and when they next met had feigned ignorance.  _ I think I had a weird dream about you,  _ Kibum had said. And Jonghyun had laughed.

 

He feels fragile. He isn’t supposed to feel fragile.

 

To make things worse, they didn’t even hire strippers. But Taemin is straight and happily married and Jonghyun is gay and Jinki really really likes women and Minho is also known as ‘I’m not interested but thanks’. So it would probably have been hard to figure the whole stripper thing out anyway.

 

Plus Kibum is bi and really it’s just all too bloody complicated.

 

Or they’re just being the ‘laziest fuckers in the world’, to quote Kibum. And let’s be honest, Kibum is probably right. He usually is.

 

Jonghyun slides the vodka bottle closer to himself, pours another drink. He guesses he should probably start pretending to be interested in the conversation. Or well, the loud exuberant yelling at the screen.

 

Long fingers close around his wrist just as he raises his filled glass to his lips and he meets Kibum’s eyes over the rim. ‘What are you doing?’ he says. ‘You know you don’t have much tolerance.’

 

‘I wish you would stop caring,’ Jonghyun wants to say. ‘I wish we could erase the years of friendship so there won’t be this hollow ache caught in my chest that shouldn’t be there.’

 

_ I wish I knew why you cried that night. _

 

Instead he shrugs and says, ‘Just wanted to get drunk.’

 

Something sly and contemplative settles in Kibum’s eyes. ‘Let’s get drunk together then,’ he whispers.

 

Jonghyun blinks at Kibum, vision already blurry and he thinks he sees something vulnerable in those expressive eyes. Just for a moment. And it makes him want to say yes.

 

There’s a throaty yell from beside them somewhere, and he realizes that while they had been contemplating getting drunk, the other three had already embarked on the merry path towards it. Gibberish singing and slurred curses. And Jonghyun thinks  _ Fuck it _ and  _ What the hell.  _ Maybe he really shouldn’t keep trying to do the right thing.

 

‘Why not?’ He tells Kibum.

 

Kibum’s smile is slow and almost predatory.

 

~-~

 

Drunkenness is a bad idea. Jonghyun thinks, a few bottles later. Bad stupid foolish ridiculous. Because Kibum gets clingy when he’s drunk, clingy and touchy and aggressive and Jonghyun gets emotional and the combination is...not the best thing. Really. The last time they had gotten drunk together, things happened that he is still pretending hadn’t.

 

When Kibum kisses him wet and open-mouthed, Jonghyun is thinking of love and loss and thwarted desire and everything he wanted to tell Kibum but never did. He’s thinking of pain and anger and the almosts that he’s always missed. And there is no sense in stopping him because Jonghyun doesn’t want to, he wants to drown in this stupidity that is love. So he kisses Kibum back, lets himself be pushed against the side of the couch, lets his fingers dig into Kibum’s hips.

 

Kibum has managed to get Jonghyun’s shirt off him before they are noticed. And Jonghyun thinks he hears Minho release a shriek that doesn’t match his face and Taemin cheer hysterically. But it doesn’t seem important because Kibum’s fingers are skimming his chest and Kibum’s mouth is on his neck and Jonghyun still can’t figure out Kibum’s shirt buttons.

 

‘Oh God,’ he hears what must be Jinki mutter and then they are pulled up and pushed into Kibum’s room and the door is slammed shut behind them. Jonghyun has never been so glad that Kibum hadn’t done the live with his girlfriend thing.

 

And then Kibum pushes him flat onto the bed and crawls up; and he slides fingers under Jonghyun’s waistband with a pleased sort of sound. And Jonghyun decides thinking is overrated.

 

~-~

 

He’s awaken by the hushed sounds of someone talking on the phone, and it takes a while to wrap his wooly head over what on earth happened the night before. 

 

‘Fuck,’ he exclaims, when the memories swarm back. And he wants to pick up his clothes and run, like he had the last time this happened. Why had he let it happen twice?

 

‘That’s an accurate summary of everything.’ Kibum’s voice is amused. And when Jonghyun turns to look at him, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, fingers curled loosely around his phone, and his expression is eerily calm. 

 

Jonghyun doesn’t understand why he’s the one more panicked about this. ‘I can’t believe this happened, I can’t believe I  _ let  _ this happen-’ he starts. 

 

‘Again?’ Kibum finishes the sentence left hanging. 

 

Jonghyun stares at him agape. ‘You remember?’ he asks. And there are more important questions he should be asking, like  _ why did we end up doing this?  _ and  _ how will I ever be able to face your fiancee again?  _ and  _ you do realize this is cheating right?  _ But all he can focus on now is that Kibum  _ remembers. _

 

Kibum laughs softly, and scoots back onto the bed, facing Jonghyun. 

 

‘Of course I do,’ he says. ‘How could I forgot how you look like unravelling underneath me? The emotion in your eyes when you came? The way you felt wrapped around me?’

 

And he comes closer, breath wafting over Jonghyun’s ear. ‘How could I forgot marking you here?’ One finger traces the tendon along Jonghyun’s neck. ‘And here,’ Travels down to circle a single nipple. ‘And-’ Kibum’s smile turns into a smirk. ‘Here.’ His fingers slide up Jonghyun’s inner thigh.

 

Jonghyun’s breath freezes in his throat. ‘Fuck you, Kibum,’ he snaps, and turns away again.

 

‘Do you want to?’ Kibum’s tone is remarkably casual. 

 

‘You’re getting married, in case you forgot.’ Jonghyun’s tone is  _ not _ bitter, it’s just muffled into the pillows. 

 

‘I’m not,’ Kibum says into the silence around them. And it’s so soft that Jonghyun thinks he hallucinated it. 

 

‘What.’

 

‘She called this morning. She said she spent her hen night crying on her friends’ shoulders, regretting saying yes, regretting taking the ring, regretting deciding to bind her life to mine. She decided that quitting now when there’s less to lose is better.’ Kibum shrugs, but his tone is wry.

 

‘Are you okay?’ Jonghyun asks. Because Kibum is still his friend, after everything. Kibum is someone he loves. 

 

‘I’m fine. She’s just braver than I am.’ 

 

‘Braver?’ 

 

‘Yeah. I wanted to, after that night. But you acted like it hadn’t happened and I just wasn’t brave enough.’ There’s something liquid and beautiful in Kibum’s eyes.

 

‘Oh.’ 

 

There are words that could be said, maybe. But Jonghyun doesn’t know how to give them sound.

 

‘Why did you cry that night?’ He asks instead. 

 

Kibum’s smile turns soft and sad. ‘I realized that I had missed something important along the way, but it was too late to go back to find it again.’ 

 

The air has turned thin around them, something glimmering somewhere. If only they could reach it. 

 

‘I love you, you know,’ Kibum continues. Like it’s just a passing observation.

 

‘I didn’t know,’ Jonghyun says. And the stillness is broken by Kibum’s loud laughter. 

 

‘I love you too, you know,’ Jonghyun says, when the laughter fades. 

 

‘I know.’ And Kibum’s eyes are brighter than the stars, Kibum’s smile is warmer than the sun.

 

It should sound momentous, like a bomb exploding on the world’s surface. But it’s quiet, like the clicking of the correct key opening the lock, like the right piece sliding into place. 

 

Jonghyun reaches over and tugs Kibum to him, presses his mouth to Kibum’s shoulder. 

‘What do we do now?’ He asks. 

 

Kibum slides their fingers together. ‘Let’s just breathe.’


	14. Chapter 14

**qna**

jonghyun wants to ask many stupid questions.

angst angst angst

_i posted this before_

 

* * *

 

jonghyun wants to ask a stupid question; like, did you know his eyes turn the colour of chocolate when the sunlight hits it at a slant? or, did you know that when he drinks any caffeinated drink too late in the day, he'd stay awake until the wee hours of the morning asking existential questions? or, did you know that when he first fell in love it was with his best friend's boyfriend?

 

did you know that he cries at the end of  _ a walk to remember _ every time? he always tries to hide it but most of the time jonghyun would pull away his hands and kiss away the tears. 

 

did you know his favourite type of coffee are the sweet blended ones always loaded with too much whipped cream? but if you ask him, he'll always order black. 

 

did you know once in highschool he was asked to play a girl for a stage performance? he did it but hated it and burst into tears right in the middle of the third show. 

 

did you know the first time he saw jonghyun's sister's baby he cried? jonghyun cried together with him and his sister told them they were worse than the baby. the baby is four now and she doesn't remember him.

 

did you know his kisses taste like cherry? the synthetic kind because of that awful lipgloss he insists on wearing. the one that jonghyun regularly uses now. 

 

did you know he really wants a dog? that he only keeps a cat because he thought it would be cruel if there was no one home to accompany the dog.

 

have you heard him laugh yet? that too loud too obnoxious grating one that he always tries to mute and muffle with his hands. jonghyun always thought it the safest sound in his world. when he really laughs he'll grasp onto the nearest shoulder and lean on it limply. once, jonghyun believed he'd be that shoulder forever.

 

do you know the exact pitch of his cries when he's spent and exhausted? how his flesh shudders under the slightest touch and the exact scent of his sweat? have you seen the lazy, satisfied smile that flicks across his mouth when it's over? does he curl against you in the night and does he still grip too tight?

 

jonghyun thinks he wants to ask every stupid question that exists, every single stupid question, as he hovers in between the exquisitely dressed mannequins in kibum's favourite shop, watching kibum laugh into someone else's shoulder.

 

_ have you heard of me? do you know my name? do you know he loved me once?  _

 

_ do you know i love him still? _

 


	15. Chapter 15

**i hate you**

in which kibum frequently overuses those three words.

zero plot, short domestic silliness.

_i can't remember if i ever posted this._

 

* * *

 

 

'congratulations, i hate you,' kibum announces dramatically, as he drapes himself across the bed where jonghyun is glaring at his laptop screen.

 

'i would hardly call that an accomplishment,' jonghyun responds, eyes not moving from the glowing screen. 'you tell me you hate me an average of three times a week. i'm starting to think it's a new way to say i love you.'

 

'what if i did hate you?' kibum muses, crawling over to lean into jonghyun's side, rolling his eyes when he sees a historical documentary loading.

 

'then i'd  _ make _ you love me,' jonghyun replies, with barely a beat for thought, his eyes shifting to stare seriously at kibum, and despite himself, kibum laughs. 

 

'don't you want to know what you did this time?' 

 

'not really, but i'm pretty sure you'll tell me anyway.'

 

to jonghyun's surprise, kibum doesn't reply to that, instead settles in beside him and watches as the show on the screen begins. jonghyun doesn't say anything either, deciding he'd rather stay like this, with kibum silent and warm against him.

 

'were you trying to cook today, by any chance?' kibum asks, about 20 minutes into the show. 

 

it takes a long slow moment for jonghyun to remember himself optimistically taking out chicken meat from the freezer, cutting up vegetables on a chopping board and arranging a saucepan on the stove. 

 

'oh,' he says. also remembering leaving the ingredients for an instant and then getting distracted by something else. 

 

'oh indeed. i hate you,' kibum repeats, his mouth near jonghyun's ear, enunciating each syllable. 

 

but when kibum pushes the laptop off jonghyun's lap, straddles him and presses his mouth against jonghyun's throat, jonghyun thinks kibum must not mean it at all.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**heat**

kibum is an incubus, jonghyun might be his prey.

also featuring incubus!taemin and implied!ontaeho

_i posted this before._

 

* * *

 

 

'but so adorable!!' kibum exclaims, gingerly dipping his feet into the cold chlorinated water. he's talking about the quiet person sitting at the other end of the pool; slender and shy, hiding behind an open book and headphones. taemin raises a single incredulous eyebrow in response. 

 

'adorable like a puppy maybe,' he retorts. 'like a baby you'd give a lollipop to, not like first person you want to sleep with now that you've finally come into all your incubus powers.'

 

his gaze sweeps the public pools where they have come to stake out. 'that,' he announces. 'is the first person you want to sleep with.' kibum's eyes follow taemin's finger to where it's pointing at the tall, well-built, chiseled featured lifeguard standing near the ice cream stand. 

 

'the  _ lifeguard _ ?' kibum scoffs. 'you  _ would _ be all cliched.' 

 

'at least my cliche gets me naked under that kind of muscle,' taemin replies blithely.

 

'you're actually a very gross creature,' kibum declares.

 

but as they watch, the lifeguard leans over to kiss the boy at the ice cream stand, the kind of kiss that leaves no question about the relationship they have, and kibum turns to taemin with a jeer on his tongue. 

 

a jeer which dies all too quickly on his lips when taemin doesn't look discouraged at all; instead his eyes have flickered over to the boy manning the store and have turned almost predatory. 'do you think,' he questions. 'we can have a first two instead of a first one?'

 

' _ what?' _

 

'oh don't sound so scandalized, kibum. anyone would think you're one of those angel things that flutter around on those stupid white wings. we're creatures of the night, embrace it!' when taemin throws out his arms in a vain attempt to emphasize his words, kibum can swear half the people around them stop and stare, including the lifeguard and his way too smiley boyfriend. he thinks maybe taemin won't find it too hard to get what he wants. 

 

'he looks like such a nice guy, doesn't he?' taemin whispers, head tilting to indicate ice cream boy, as kibum has taken to referring to him. 'but i think he could fuck you into the mattress if he wanted to.' he looks thrilled at the challenge he's taken upon himself. 

 

kibum rolls his eyes. 'oh, just go seduce those two unfortunate boys, i don't need to hear your fantasies.' 

 

'you're really not cut out for this, are you?' taemin says, reaching up to mess up kibum's hair; something he  _ knows _ kibum hates. kibum scowls, but taemin shoots him a mischievous smile and saunters off, hips swinging, pointedly towards where the lifeguard and ice cream boy are standing, both of them watching him. he's all lean muscle and fluid, effortless grace and kibum thinks to himself that those two have no chance to escape at all, even if they wanted to. it makes his mouth quirk into a little smile. his parents always said his cousin's the ideal incubus. 

 

kibum isn't the ideal. oh he loves the taste of sex like all of them did, loves the musk and the velvet, and that fiery taste of lust that sinks into his bones and muscles. but he would really have preferred it if someone could bottle it up and he could buy it off the shelf. or if they had something like a blood bank, like the ones the vampires borrowed from, with bags of blood for the taking. why couldn't he have been a vampire?

 

hunting is exhausting, and most of the time honestly not fun. his mother always frowned at him when he complained. 'the hunt is an essential part of the experience, child. sometimes the best part. it is common to especially relish in it.'

 

at least, kibum comforts himself, he isn't common.

 

his gaze turns back to the person on the deck chair. tiny, taemin had said, dismissing them almost instantaneously. but kibum thinks he likes tiny; soft, slim, someone to hold between his arms, like something precious.

 

'what are you reading?' kibum asks, as he settles into the chair right next to the tiny person. he repeats himself louder when he's ignored, and the person jerks, then lowers the book slowly, eyes flickering around, as if checking the voice really is talking to them. 

 

'hi?' they say, pulling their headphones down, the lilt at the end of the word pretty and confused.

 

'hi,' kibum replies, smiling at their trepidation. and he thinks, he wants this person, this incredibly cute little person, with wide, almost scared eyes gazing at him from above the edge of the book. who somehow isn't annoyed at his unabashed interruption.

 

'what are you reading?' he asks again, when the silence extends out between them. the wide eyes dart down to the book and back up to kibum. 

 

'why are you talking to me?'  they ask, instead of answering. 

 

'because you're cute,' kibum responds, raising a single shoulder. 

 

the blush that creeps slowly up their face is adorable. 'that's kind of creepy.'

 

'what's your name?' kibum whispers. 

 

'jonghyun,' they whisper back. 'what's yours, creepy?'

 

'kibum.'

 

jonghyun repeats kibum's name back at him, and their voice is clear and smooth, musical almost. kibum decides he likes it. 

 

there's a switch they can pull; all of them, the incubi and succubi; the switch that can lure someone in, take any surface kind of attraction and augment it into that pulsing desire that makes a person become nothing more than animal need, that turns sensible thought into sweat and skin. and now would be the right time to use it. because there is something there, just out of reach, a curiosity, a slight pressure of interest. he knows that if he wanted to, he could get jonghyun, a flick of his wrist, a snap of his fingers. easy.

 

but kibum doesn't want to use that; he doesn't want to use them for one night and then wipe their memory, he doesn't want to just have a meal. he wants to make jonghyun want him, just for him, wants something more, wants to understand this person with the melodious voice, and the crinkly smile, and the thick philosophical books with titles he doesn't understand. it's weird, and taemin would probably mess up his hair again and shake his head, but kibum thinks, maybe that's okay. maybe the curiosity isn't just jonghyun's, maybe it's also kibum's.

 

they talk, just that, kibum on the edge of the chair, and jonghyun still half lying down. it's hard to get jonghyun to talk to him at first; they squint at him in this disbelieving manner, like bracing themself for the punchline of a practical joke they can't see coming. 

 

jonghyun is older than him, or at least older than the human age kibum purports to be. they are serious and pondering, a psychology graduate training to be a counsellor. 'boring,' jonghyun says, almost like a confession.

 

kibum shakes his head. 'it's fascinating,' he whispers. jonghyun's eyebrows lift, and their cheekbones colour again, but they don't acknowledge the word otherwise.

 

they talk softly together until the sun sets slowly in the sky, throwing orange red light across the planes of jonghyun's face. and kibum thinks he has never quite found anything as beautiful before. jonghyun is animated when they warm up, bubbling over with words and experiences, hopes, ambitions, dreams, and questions about kibum that he sometimes replies and sometimes evades. 

 

kibum looks up from the conversation just as taemin comes back, hair mussed, eyes and skin glowing, shushing jonghyun's apologies for talking so much with a simple 'but  _ i _ approached you.' 

 

under the heat of taemin's judgemental stare, kibum gets jonghyun's number, a smile and a promise to meet. and despite the fact that his mother is probably going to be slightly disappointed and taemin is definitely going to mock him ( _worst incubus ever, cousin. didn't even get a kiss.)_ , he thinks he liked his first day as a full incubus.


	17. Chapter 17

**in your thrall**

kibum is a vampire, jonghyun is his thrall

_i've posted this before, tbh it's a personal favourite._

 

* * *

 

He's soft, pliant, warm. Tender, gentle, pure. He's easy to pierce, easy to drain, easy, perhaps, to kill. But Kibum doesn't want to kill. Not this time. And not this one. Jonghyun catches Kibum's gaze like he knows what's in Kibum's thoughts, tips his head to the side and bares his throat and it's invitation, it's beckoning. It's  _ come I know you want to I know you need to.  _ Kibum doesn't feed on anyone else now.

He's old enough, hardened enough that he doesn't need as much blood as he used to. But he thinks maybe even if he wasn't, even if he was younger, even if he needed it to survive -- human blood to make his dead body come alive -- he'd only want Jonghyun, only want to feed on him, swallow the little he can take without fatal consequence, face the burn of near starvation for the willing taste of Jonghyun on his tongue. Cinnamon and musk.

Jonghyun is his thrall. A slave, blood bound, forever Kibum's. But Kibum thinks maybe  _ he _ is the one in thrall, a slave to Jonghyun's affectionate touch and expressive eyes. Forever Jonghyun's.

The bond works both ways for them. But Kibum feels bound to Jonghyun more closely than he thinks even an ordinary thrall would be. Like he'll perish without Jonghyun's laugh, like the puffs of Jonghyun's breath on his neck makes waking up worthwhile, like Jonghyun's over enthusiastic singing in the shower is the soundtrack of his existence. Maybe it's because Jonghyun loved Kibum long before the vampire took fangs to his throat. Maybe it's because Kibum yearned for Jonghyun's heart before craving his blood. 

Maybe it's just because they're soulmates, Jonghyun likes to say, sleepily and childishly, curled up next to Kibum on his big bed. Kibum usually laughs. Vampires have no soul, he'll say and Jonghyun would look up at him, eyes bright with all the love Kibum doesn't think he deserves, and whisper maybe not, but I bet yours is beautiful. Incandescent like the sun. 

"The sun will burn me," Kibum says out loud. 

Jonghyun turns to him, worry in his gaze, and reaches a hand over to brush gingerly against Kibum's jaw. Kibum wonders if maybe it's like touching a marble statue, if his frozen coldness against Jonghyun's warmth is like pain. His skin is alabaster, his eyes like broken quartz, and the dim glow he emits in the darkness of night is not human. He cannot go out freely now, not if he doesn't want eyes tracing their path, not if he doesn't want hopeful women and men propositioning him, offering their blood in exchange for an immortality bound to him. Other vampires take more than one thrall, gorging on all the blood they can take and more, Kibum wants just one. He is weak, they say. He is a fool, for if this thrall dies so does he. But he thinks maybe if Jonghyun dies he wouldn't want to go on either.

"I love you," he says to Jonghyun, and the worry melts into fondness. 

"I know," Jonghyun says, and his attempt at a smirk is tempered by the affection on the edges, by the gentleness in his eyes that Kibum wants to drown in. He wishes he could be soft again, human flesh to hold Jonghyun, like petals curling around each other. Not like this. Marble statue against human heat. And it will like this into forever, until he lets himself die. He wonders if Jonghyun will try to run, if one day he will be like every other thrall, screaming for escape from this prison of a life, if one day all the love in his beating heart will wither into hate, into resentment. If Kibum will kill him to set him free, if Kibum will let himself die too, slowly, agony in his limbs, rationale seeping away. He wonders if the future only holds despair.

"You're thinking of sad things again," Jonghyun whispers, his fingers are pressing into the back of Kibum's neck now, as if trying to massage away the tension. 

Kibum doesn't respond, just leans forward to kiss Jonghyun, and Jonghyun opens for him, like he always does, a flower blooming under sunshine. Except Kibum is darkness and dread, a blood-red moon bringing nothing but death. Jonghyun would be a hell flower, he thinks. He wants to laugh, but a tearless sob escapes him instead and Jonghyun pulls away, concern in his touch, in his fingers on Kibum's cheekbones. 

"Don't think of the sad things," he says and his fingers are like velvet on Kibum's skin. "Are you hungry?" Kibum shakes his head, mutely. He doesn't want to drink, not now, when the gulf between them feels too deep to breach. He doesn't want to feel so inhuman, so wrong. A deadweight around Jonghyun's ankle, taking him to depths he shouldn't have to go. He should let him go, maybe. But the only way out is death. And Kibum wants to keep Jonghyun, keep him as long as he looks at Kibum with delight in his stare, touches Kibum like he's a jewel instead of a weapon. Keep him while he loves Kibum wholly, unconditionally, heart in his eyes, falling out of his mouth, given over, free.

"Do you ever regret this?"  _ Do you ever regret me? _

Comprehension flits past Jonghyun's features, then acute sadness, and Kibum wants to cry with his tearless eyes, afraid of what the sadness means.

"You think I do." It isn't a question. Jonghyun laughs when Kibum doesn't answer, laughs until his face screws up, his eyes almost shut. The fear is turns solid in Kibum's throat. But when Jonghyun stops laughing, the sadness has given away to so much tenderness that it makes Kibum's chest constrict.

"I love you," he says, meaningfully. It isn't an answer and yet it is. "I  _ love  _ you." And Jonghyun's fingers are carding through Kibum's hair, the one thing still soft on his body, pressing kisses on his forehead, below his eyes, the side of his jaw, the corners of his mouth. Fluttering, gentle, barely-there kisses that feel like butterfly wings. 

Kibum closes his eyes and his hands find Jonghyun's hips.

 

* * *

 

_vampires are based on the ones in anne rice's novels_

 


	18. Chapter 18

**fool**

don't fall in love

angst angst angst

_ posted this on tumblr i think; this is another personal favourite _

 

* * *

 

 

He gives himself over in bits and pieces, never whole, never enough.

 

He is a fuck, a one time, a conqueror. Each person just another conquest. You can give him your body and take his touch, but must always keep your heart safe. Do not give it over, because he doesn't know where to store it. 

 

When he laughs, and looks at you searchingly, intently, it will feel like you could drown. It will feel like maybe the world has shrunken down to just the two of you, static electricity stretching between you, elastic attraction.

 

It is a lie. You cannot forget that. You are the flavour of the hour, the night. Maybe if you're lucky, an entire week. But he will forget, and you cannot ask for more.

 

Only a fool would try to love him.

 

Jonghyun is that fool.

 

Kibum is a myth who sauntered over to them and captured Jonghyun with his sulky mouth and flashing eyes. And when he flung his head back in joyous uninhibited laughter, Jonghyun had been captivated. Caught like a bird in the hand, Kibum's hand.

 

When he said "come with me", Jonghyun had gone, an overgrown puppy being tugged by the leash, no choice. No need for choice. Inevitable perhaps. Because Jonghyun had always been fascinated by mystery, always loved beautiful things.

 

And Kibum is a mysterious beautiful thing.

 

Want is a blackhole. A screaming rage always demanding more. Kibum opens up a blackhole in Jonghyun's chest, turns it into a wasteland, a charred remnant of war. Jonghyun forgets to lock his heart away, and in that one night when Kibum laughs and sighs, and touches him in places usually kept secret, it flits away from Jonghyun's ribcage. Goes to lodge itself between Kibum's slippery fingers.

 

That it crashes on the floor and shatters is perhaps not unexpected.

 

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Kibum's smile is friendly as he lets Jonghyun out, brushing his mouth against Jonghyun's. A goodbye kiss. A last kiss. He doesn't see the shards of a heart scattered across his bedroom floor.

 

"You knew what he was," Jinki says, eyes sorrowful.

 

"I just drank too much," Jonghyun lies. He touches his neck where Kibum left marks and wishes he could make them permanent.

 

The next night, he goes back to the club alone. Sits in the corner and gets a wave from Kibum. Friendly. 

 

Kibum picks someone else that night.

 

The cycle goes on.

 

Don't fall in love.


	19. Chapter 19

**pink**

jonghyun is a merman with a pink tail, and kibum could be his human

_posted this on tumblr_

* * *

 

kibum knows it’s a futile thing, temporal, meant to fall apart. but he indulges in it anyway, unable to break the strings of fate tying them together.

tying him to the pink-haired, gentle-eyed, sweet-talking merman he accidentally met while roaming the beach in the wee hours of one morning.

_ “you have a tail.” _

_ “yes, i think i would know that.” _

_ “it’s pink.” _

_ “isn’t it pretty?” _

_ his smile was possibly the most genuine one kibum had ever seen. he should be scared, perhaps, but he wasn’t. instead he smiled back and sat down on the sand, letting his feet dip into the cold ocean water, and the merman had grinned wider at kibum’s actions, raising himself up on his elbows. _

_ “i’m jonghyun.” _

it had been the beginning of an addiction of sorts. spending long nights listening to jonghyun talk; learning about the world under the waves, the kingdom and the cranky king, lessons in etiquette and managing accounts, jonghyun’s four older sisters who just wanted to matchmake him with the scores of mermaids vying for his attention; even the type of fish they ate, the ones they couldn’t.

“we’re their predators,” jonghyun explained simply, baring his sharp teeth. “so some are poisonous.”

jonghyun was the kingdom’s prince, but the younger one, so he didn’t need to carry the future burden of ruling. it was also why he could escape to the surface so often, just to meet with kibum. kibum thinks it’s probably dangerous for jonghyun to be so far from home so often, thinks it’s probably something disallowed, thinks he shouldn’t encourage jonghyun to come up this often. but there’s something free about just sitting with jonghyun, telling him secrets he wouldn’t tell other people, teaching him about the human world; handphones and cameras and computers, cars and aeroplanes, the internet.

he brings a camera once, snapping a photo of jonghyun, and the flash makes jonghyun squint and flail.

the muted pink of his hair is washed out in the photo and jonghyun’s figure is blurred because of the way he tried to dodge the flash but jonghyun stares at it with wonder and awe and bugs kibum to take more. in most of them jonghyun’s eyes are open too wide, his eyes almost crossed as he tries to figure out where to look. in the one selfie that they manage to take, he isn’t looking into the camera, instead at kibum, his mouth half open as if about to ask a question. kibum’s smile is fond, too fond. and the photos make something warm bloom in his chest.

he thinks it might be something dangerous.

this carries on for months, kibum slipping out in the middle of the night whenever he can to wander the beach, in the hopes that he’ll hear the sound of jonghyun’s crooning in the wind, indistinct words but hypnotic melody. it occurs to him that maybe, just maybe, jonghyun is really a siren, and kibum is just his food. but it doesn’t matter, because kibum has fallen headlong into jonghyun’s song, and he just wants to sing along.

sometimes jonghyun isn’t there, and kibum will watch the waves wash up to the shore under the white moonlight and ask himself what he’s doing. why he stays up nights only to conceal dark circles under his eyes in the mornings, why his heart beats faster each time jonghyun leans over to curiously scrutinise his legs, tracing a finger gently over his knee, down his calf and circling his ankle, why he shivers when jonghyun pokes at his toes.

“so weird,” jonghyun comments each time, laughter on the edge of his words, and kibum just shakes his head, laughing along.

once kibum paints his toenails in a shimmery pink, the same colour as jonghyun’s tail. and the way jonghyun’s face lights up reminds him of a child. “we match!” kibum paints it the same colour every time he goes to see jonghyun after that. he likes to make jonghyun smile.

in the absence of jonghyun’s singing and laughing, the ocean seems so much more distant, a mystery that kibum cannot unravel. he’s playing with stakes that are too high, gambling affection and love. he wonders what it would have been like, if he had met jonghyun under different circumstances; at the liberal arts college he had gone to, or at a library or museum. maybe jonghyun would even have been a client of the graphic design company kibum works at; a music teacher at a school that needs help with concert posters. it would be easy then.

it’s not easy now; the way his heart stutters when jonghyun reaches over to touch his hair, the way he wants to kiss him sometimes, ask him to stay forever.

kibum imagines jonghyun will laugh if he tells him, gently but incredulously.

why do people like to wish for impossibilities?

~-~

the next time he sees jonghyun, he isn’t alone. there are four mermaids thronged around him. their hair glimmers under the moonlight; onyx, emerald, sapphire, ruby; and their voices travel through the air, almost mocking. his four sisters, kibum thinks.

“so he’s human?”

“how long exactly have you been coming up here?”

“what do you think can possibly happen from this?”

the last one pauses before she speaks, her gaze flicking up to kibum.

“is he the one behind you right now?”

kibum’s heart leaps to his throat when jonghyun looks over. there’s something soft and sad in his gaze, a twin to the emotion that kibum carries in his chest. the one that clogs his voice when he calls jonghyun an “online friend” in anecdotes to colleagues and friends, the feeling that makes him wake up with tears in his eyes.

“yeah,” jonghyun replies his sister’s question, but his eyes are still on kibum. and maybe they’ve never said _ i love you _ but the words are there now, almost tangible, hovering in the air between them.

“hi,” jonghyun whispers.

“hi,” kibum replies, voice just as quiet.

as jonghyun’s sisters leave with four loud sighs and threats to talk to jonghyun later, kibum settles beside jonghyun on the sand, letting the water wash over his legs, soaking his pants to his knees. the stars gleam like pearls in the dark night, and he feels a calmness settle over him, a welcome companion to the sorrow.

“how’ve you been?” jonghyun asks.

kibum smiles and tells him about a particularly annoying client, and it’s like it always is. they don’t talk about what hasn’t been said, and kibum thinks maybe they never will.

jonghyun reaches over to link their fingers, and kibum holds on tight.

 

* * *

 

copying over a bit of continuation i came up with but didn't add in:

( basically i was thinking that the mercommunity actually allows humans to become merpeople and kibum finds out from one of jonghyun’s sisters and kibum offers to do so but jonghyun knows he loves his own life too much and it would be a huge sacrifice so he doesn’t allow it. 

so then jonghyun thinks about turning human bc they have the magic for it, although it takes a huge sacrifice, a little piece of his soul. but he doesn’t do it ultimately because kibum knows it’ll be highly difficult, with all the certification that’s needed to live legally.

so instead they say goodbye and try to live and find love somewhere else, and kibum starts living with a guy and jonghyun allows his parents to matchmake him with a princess from a neighbouring kingdom. but on the morning of the official engagement announcement he realises he doesn’t want it and he swims up to the surface where he usually meets kibum and kibum is there.

because he’s broken up with the guy and was just remembering and missing jonghyun.

and yes i know this is totally coincidental and convenient but this is my story and i like drama.

SO THEN, jonghyun breaks off the engagement and they decide to try just like that. and kibum buys a little house that’s near a beach, and that’s just how they live. 

separate but together.)


	20. Chapter 20

**cost**

kibum is the demon jonghyun sold his soul to

_this was a tumblr prompt!_

* * *

“I probably should have thought about the consequences of selling my soul first.” 

The demon sitting on the edge of Jonghyun's bed smirks then nods. "Probably," he says. "Too late now though." He has red eyes and sharp teeth, but otherwise looks like a typical young man, just touching 20 years old. He has an angular face, eyes that narrow to a point at the end, and soft lips. Jonghyun remembers those lips, he thinks he has been kissed by them, the sign of the contract being accepted.

"You look just like you did 60 years ago."

The demon cackles. "Did you expect me to age?"

Jonghyun shrugs. "Maybe. What's your name?"

The sharp teeth make the demon's grin terrifying. "Did you forget?" His voice lowers, turns dark and sultry. "I think you've re-lived that night every day of your life, Kim Jonghyun. And that's been a very long time for a memory."

" _ Key."  _ Jonghyun remembers fingers moving over his body, dipping into places that made him writhe and scream, a rough tongue and sharp teeth sinking into his flesh. Remembers his mind blanking out in bliss and terror and the words  _ you're mine now. _

"Knew you wouldn't forget." Key beams at him.

"What are you going to do to me?" 

"I'm not sure really." Key puts his finger to his chin in a mockery of a thinking pose. "I could throw you into the fires, or make you get eaten by snakes. Or let the others crack all your bones. Or make you re-live your worst memory over and over. Or maybe, I'll just keep you-" He crawls across the bed and trails fingers down Jonghyun's chest, over his hipbones, just dancing above his groin. "Keep you and play with you and make you want me. Only then will I destroy you."

He pulls himself away from Jonghyun and grins. "We'll see!" His voice is cheery and teasing.

"Let's go."

And Jonghyun follows, like a pet pulled by a leash. It's the only thing he can do. 

"Was it worth it?" Key is looking ahead to where fires are lapping at the walls, and his question is soft.

Jonghyun thinks back to a life of fame and fortune, to women and men falling at his feet, to money and property and fast cars. To sex and lust and alcohol. Then he looks at the broad figure of the demon striding in front of him, his movements hypnotic and swaying. 

_ You're mine now.  _ The words remind him of promises. 

"Yes," he says. "Yes, it was."


	21. Chapter 21

**trust**

jonghyun cheats, and they try again.

angsttt

_this was a tumblr prompt~_

* * *

 

"do you trust me?"

there's no reply.

"kibum?"

kibum raises his eyes to gaze sadly at jonghyun. "no," he whispers. "every time you stay out too late, i wonder if you're screwing someone else, every time you text someone i wonder if it's her, every time you don't answer your phone, i wonder. i want to bind you to me and keep you here always. i want to send someone to follow you to make sure...make sure you aren't cheating on me again."

it's been eight months since jonghyun confessed to the affair, and there's still terror in kibum's eyes when he comes home too late, overly invasive questions on where he was, sidelong attempts at spying on his text messages. and jonghyun hates it, but he knows it's his fault, knows he's the one who scooped out the security in their love, knows it might take forever to rebuild, as much as they want to. jonghyun lifts his hand and gingerly places it over kibum's fist, clenched in his lap. "this isn't working, is it?"

"no," kibum whispers. "but i don't want to let you go."

jonghyun feels like his chest is slowly cracking open. "i don't want to let you go either."

it's destructive, people have said that, cleaving together when they would probably be better separate. jonghyun living in quiet guilt, kibum living in eternal fear. when they're alone together it's easy; laughter and banter and love. when other people are with them, it's different; kibum always on high alert, watching jonghyun, jonghyun always afraid his interactions with other people could be misconstrued, could force kibum to pull away. it's worse when they're apart, when kibum can't help himself from sending questioning texts, from sometimes just calling to check.

"i love you," jonghyun whispers. "i love you so much, and i'm so so sorry."

"i know," kibum replies. "i'm trying too."

when jonghyun leans forward and catches kibum's mouth in his own, he can taste the salt of tears, like kibum has been crying again, when jonghyun wasn't looking. 

kibum's mouth opens under his and his arms come up to fit around jonghyun's shoulders. he presses close, easily deepening the kiss. 

_ i love you _ he says without words. 

that's what they're both holding on to.

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**just a little crush**

jonghyun likes tall boys

_ this was posted before, here i think _

* * *

 

 

"who's that?" jonghyun stage whispers to jinki, catching sight of a tall figure walking past them. there's something about the long legs and fluid stride, and that glimpse of a sharply defined jaw that makes jonghyun's stomach flip.

jinki shoots a knowing glance at jonghyun. "that's kim kibum," he says. "he's king of the freshmen."

"oh," jonghyun breathes out, eyes widening. "he's younger than us then? he seems older."

"he lived in america when he was younger. maybe that's why." jinki provides the information with an easy shrug, as if it doesn't quite bother him. and truthfully it doesn't. he has no interest in kim kibum, king or not.

"oh," jonghyun says again, and jinki can see something bright twisting in his eyes. "he's gorgeous," he mutters mostly to himself. jinki shakes his head, choosing to keep his thoughts to himself.

it's jonghyun's first day at his new school, a transfer student from a business school to a performing arts one. he's enamoured with it already, seeing so much more vibrance and hues of colour than the solid monochrome culture he felt his previous school was. business had been a safe choice, music had been a dream. and it had been a dream he was willing to keep elusive. but a whim submission of his portfolio when he had seen applications open had given him avenue to chase his dream. not good enough, he'd always thought. but somehow, someone somewhere had disagreed with that self assessment. so here he is, a new student in sophomore, being guided by lee jinki, fellow vocal major, and all around nice guy. or at least that's what jonghyun has gleaned after about three hours with him.

"what's his major?" he asks, still thinking about kim kibum.

"dance," jinki replies. and after a pause, "and theatre."

"double major," jonghyun says, awe peaking. "wow." he drags out the words, eyes fixated on the door he had seen kibum just flit through.

jinki grins. "if you're planning to pursue him," he says. "you might need to join the queue. he's extremely dedicated and incredibly focused and hasn't accepted any dates yet. despite the many many offers."

"there's really a queue?" jonghyun asks on instinct. then flushes when jinki lets out a loud laugh. "i'm not planning to pursue him," he hastens to add.

"if you say so," jinki replies, grin still wide. "if you say so."

jonghyun wills the blush to fade and is thankful when jinki doesn't bring kim kibum up again.

~-~

about five weeks later, jonghyun meets kim kibum by accident, when he barges in too early for his slot at a practice room and catches jonghyun halfway through a piece for his composition module. jonghyun lets the piano note trail away as kibum crashes in, and the ensuing silence is deafening.

jonghyun has only seen kibum's side profile close up before, but he recognizes him right away. kibum full face is even more gorgeous; sharp cheekbones, angular jaw, slanted cat eyes and the kind of mouth jonghyun had thought only existed in paintings.

"oh god," kibum says. and his voice is low, deep, throaty. it makes jonghyun's stomach quiver. "i thought there was no one here, i have the slot after yours. sorry. i'll just wait outside."

as he makes to go, jonghyun hears himself let out a soft "no." and he's surprised that kibum stops.

when kibum turns back, jonghyun smiles a little, and it feels awkward and strained and  _ stupid _ on his mouth. "i mean? you can stay? i'm almost done anyway." he wonders how many people kibum turns away on a daily basis, wonders if kibum will laugh, that abrasive grating  _ free _ laugh of his, and turn away again.

instead, a sweet smile lights on kibum's lips and he tilts his head to the side like a curious bird. "you're confident," he remarks. "most people hate audiences before they're ready."

jonghyun shrugs and doesn't answer. he doesn't quite know how to say all he wanted was kibum to stay.

crushes are stupid, he tells himself. especially when they make you ask for an audience who makes your chest prickle with..something. he turns his attention back to his score and notes, and tries to distract himself from kibum's scalding presence.

as the last chord fades away, jonghyun sighs. it hadn't been exactly what he had wanted, but it's close enough for now. his second sigh turns into a choked gasp when kibum's voice breaks into the silence. he'd forgotten he was here. "you're good," kibum says approvingly, like he's a judge on a talent show. "you're that new vocal student, aren't you? i see why they let you transfer in half way through a semester."

"thank you," jonghyun says, looking up at kibum. kibum is smiling at him, and his eyes are alight with interest. "i'm jonghyun," he offers.

"kibum."

"i know," jonghyun says, completely by accident. kibum grins and raises a single eyebrow. jonghyun wonders how long it will take to dig a hole in the ground to die in.

"you're cute," kibum says, after a beat, like an offhand remark. his eyes are still fixed on jonghyun.

jonghyun thinks he wants to melt into a puddle. liquefied jonghyun. he's older than kibum but under the steady gaze, he feels tiny, like a specimen on a microscope slide, like prey. far too exposed. he can feel his heart beating too fast in his chest. "thank you," he manages to squeak out, before gathering all his scores and almost fleeing the room.

kibum's bemused stare follows him out the door.

~-~

"i should've said something  _ back, _ " jonghyun whines to his best friend on the phone later. "i should have said he's cute too. no, i should've said he's  _ beautiful." _

"how is it possible you've found a crush within your  _ first month _ in a new school?" taemin asks incredulously.

"i saw him on my first day," jonghyun admits.

"why am i not surprised? let me guess, taller than you, broad shoulders, and long legs." it's not a question.

jonghyun's silence lasts long enough for taemin to let out an affectionate laugh. "oh, you're so predictable."

"that description could apply to anyone," jonghyun objects. "even you."

"didn't you have a crush on me once though?" taemin points out.

taemin is annoying, jonghyun decides. and obviously calling him best friend was a stretch of majestic proportions. "you're  _ so _ annoying," he thus declares. and gets even more annoyed when all taemin does is hum distractedly.

"minho has long legs, broad shoulders and is  _ very _ tall," taemin reminisces. "remember when you spent about a year in love with him?"

"i  _ hate _ you," jonghyun hisses. but all that results in is taemin laughing even harder.

~-~

it's like that one time seeing kibum in the practice room has opened a secret door to his life, and jonghyun begins to see kibum everywhere; in the canteen, the library, the corridor between classes. and for some odd reason, every time kibum sees jonghyun, he'll wave and smile.

the first time it happens, jonghyun stops short and peers around for whoever else kibum  _ must  _ be waving to. he can hear kibum's snort of laughter as he passes, and just feel a trail of fingertips cross his shoulder blades like fire. he was looking at  _ me,  _ jonghyun thinks to himself, and it's suddenly too hard to breathe.

the next time it happens, jonghyun flushes but manages to wave back, the barest shifting of his fingers. kibum's smile is so pretty, he thinks dreamily as kibum shoots him a bright smile.

by the third and fourth time, he's figured out how to smile back at kibum, and mouth the word hi.

the fifth time it happens, he's with jinki at lunch. jinki notices the exchange, and raises his eyebrows. "well," he comments.  _ "that  _ i did not expect."

"what," jonghyun demands, as he sits down with his food. "are you referring to?"

jinki doesn't reply immediately. his eyes shift to a position just over jonghyun's shoulder. "whatever happened between you and kim kibum that has him walking over right now."

jonghyun's screech collapses in his throat when kibum stops right beside him and sits down. "hi," he says gently.

"hello," jonghyun tries to say. but it sounds to him little more than garbled nonsense. jinki cackles softly.

"uhm…" kibum starts, voice uncharacteristically soft and nervous. "i have two tickets to a symphonic orchestra concert next weekend and...i was thinking you might be interested... we could go together?"

jonghyun stares at him unspeaking for about 30 long seconds, unable to fathom what exactly is happening. is kibum asking for a date? is this really happening? he thinks that even if his mouth was capable of forming words, he wouldn't know what to say.

jonghyun would probably have continued sitting in puzzled, awkward silence if jinki hadn't kicked him in the ankle. that's when he realizes kibum looks embarrassed and crestfallen and seems to be about to stand up.

"guess i misread this," jonghyun hears kibum mutter. and he can feel possibilities draining away like water between his fingers.

"no!" he says, too loud. "i mean yes! yes i want to go. with you. please?"

the smile that spreads across kibum's face at the words makes jonghyun's breath catch in his throat. "give me your number," kibum says, handing jonghyun his phone. it's an accomplishment jonghyun doesn't drop it into his soup, and that he actually remembers his own number.

"i'll call you," kibum promises, as he walks away.

and it doesn't matter that jinki is laughing so hard that he has to gasp for breath, or that way too many people are staring at jonghyun with something like curious judgement in their expressions. because he, kim jonghyun, is going on an actual date with kim kibum.

jonghyun drops his head into his arms and lets out a happy little scream.


	23. Chapter 23

**masquerade**

he puts on a mask with you, and you let him

angst, mentioned homophobia, 2nd person pov, jongkey from outside pov

_posted this on aff, cleaned it up a bit. found it by accident and it's a personal fave so wanted to share!_

 

* * *

 

 

he tells you he loves you, but there are other words hidden in his hesitant tone that you understand too well, words you like to pretend are in a language you do not speak. sometimes he smiles at you with a tightness in the corners of his mouth that turns natural into artificial, and fluid into stiff, and you know it would be different if you were someone else.

you watch him sometimes, when he thinks he is invisible to the world, watch the way he stares at the other boy at parties, how he orbits around him like there is a pull of gravity between them that no one else feels, how he often reaches out and almost touches before jerking back. there is energy that you can almost see crackling between their skin.

sometimes they gaze at each other like they are miles apart, even if the distance between them is only a few metres. you think they are a tragedy in action, and it all seems so melodramatic and trite sometimes; you with him, and he longing for some other. desires unspoken and muted, suppressed and denied.

you ask him about love once, casual and unspecific, ask him if he thinks it’s true that having love and then losing it was better than never falling at all. and he stares at you with those eyes that always tell too much truth, and says losing love makes even the most beautiful parts of the world look like a desert wasteland. and you wonder if the world is always a wasteland to him now, except for the rare times when he can gaze into someone’s eyes.

_ who did you love that way? _ you want to ask, but you think you already know the answer.

sometimes, you let yourself believe that if you hold on, one day he'll feel the same for you.

there are days you wake up too early and hear him sobbing quietly, hear him whisper a name that is not yours, and there is a depth of emotion in that single world that you know he’s never felt towards you. and you wonder if maybe after losing a love that strong, what happens is choosing to never love again. you wonder if you're just one of the ways he used to wall up his heart.

you wonder about that other boy, that man, what they had been to each other. if maybe they had given up everything the day he told the world he’d marry you. 

the sunlight glints over the diamond on your finger and it flares like a blaze of fire. you wonder if it's okay to extinguish it.

the boy’s name is kibum, and he’s all sharp angles and cocked hips and he stares at you like he knows why you sought him out. there’s too much honesty in his direct gaze, and you think that’s why he loves kibum, that their honesty meshes together in a way that wouldn’t quite work with someone else. you think that maybe they only lie to each other.

_ he’s not with me anymore, _ is what kibum says, and his voice is warmer than you think it ought to be.  _ not physically _ , you want to say,  _ but emotionally _ . and then it occurs to you, that if emotions were all that was at play, perhaps it’s always been you who was the interloper. you ask him their story, and he laughs instead of answering. there is no joy in the laughter, just bitterness winding its thorny thread over the sound. 

their story is not pretty, and it is not special. just that too commonplace phobia and discrimination and their quiet determination not to disappoint their families.  _ do you hate him? _ you ask,  _ do you hate me?  _ and kibum looks at you, and there is a sad sad smile playing on his pretty lips and you know he doesn’t.

there is a point when illusion gives way to reality. and maybe you’ve been fighting that point for too long now. illusion took you by the hand and let you believe the happy home life with the children playing in the garden of a small cottage was yours, with him. that even though you had been chosen for him, he had chosen you too. but he hadn’t, he’d been given to you, and he had made a promise. and even if regret had come later, he hadn’t changed anything. bound by honour, perhaps. or maybe just despair.

you love him. you know that too well, that your heart beats for the sound of his voice and the tilt of his head and the slanted beauty of his smile. and sometimes when he sang, as he often does, you entertained the thought that one day, you’ll sing together with him, into forever. but you don’t think you want that now, not really, not with a man who looks at you while wishing he’s looking at another person’s face. not with a man who is striving so hard to give you as much as he can, but has already torn out most of it to leave in between someone else’s fingers.

_ do you love me?  _ you ask that night. and there’s a pause where you hear your heartbeat too loudly in your ears.  _ yes i do  _ he says. and you want to believe him. but you know he doesn't, that all he can give you is the scraps of something magnificent, dust left behind after the sculpture is done. maybe it’s time to find someone who will love you with every fibre in their heart.

the next time you visit kibum, you aren’t alone.

kibum opens the door with a wry look on his face, but before any words can leave his mouth, his gaze lands on the man standing slightly behind you, restrained by the force of your fingers around his wrist.

_ jjong. _

the word hangs in the air, lost in the density of the feelings that have suddenly blown up in between them. you feel like you could be swept away by the sheer force. jonghyun’s face is twisted, but there’s something broken in the way his eyes dart from you to kibum’s face, the same kind of brokenness in kibum’s wide eyed stare.

you turn to jonghyun and grin up at him.  _ it’s time to be brave, _ you tell him, and you lean up to press lips to the corner of his mouth, press the dazzling ring into the palm of his hand.

_ it’s time to be brave, _ you repeat to kibum, and you smile. there is a shocked kind of slow realisation dawning in kibum’s face.  _ be brave, _ you say again, and there is a weight that drops away from your chest when you walk away.

when you look back, you see kibum reach, and jonghyun jerk forward, a marionette on stiff strings, and then they fall into each other. kibum’s long fingers digging too hard into jonghyun’s back and jonghyun’s hands clenched too tightly in kibum’s hair. they kiss each other like they are the last people left whole in a broken world, like all they need is the breath in their chests and the touch of each other's skin. and the ring,  _ your _ ring, falls in a radiant arc to the floor, forgotten. 

just like you.

and you wonder, with a kind of choked sob, why you ever thought you could have him.


	24. Chapter 24

**conversations**

"what would they do without us, seriously."

featuring bff!jongtae, and bff!minkey, and half told just through dialogue.

_i've posted this before._

 

* * *

 

"taemin says everyone thinks we're dating."

 

"you and taemin?"

 

 _"no,_ me and you."

 

"you're staring at your phone so you can't see the look of disgust on my face but i would like you to know it's there. i suppose you put him right?"

 

"i told him we're not, but i don't think he believed me."

 

"well, if that has to be the rumour at least no one weird will hit on you now…"

 

"why thank you, my knight in shining sportsgear."

 

"no need for snark, kibum."

 

\----

 

"kibum says they aren't dating, but i'm not 100% sure i believe him. like have you _seen_ choi fucking minho? but then again if i was gay and dating choi minho i'd never shut up about it…so maybe he really isn't.."

 

"and you're sure _you_ aren't gay?"

 

"hey, a guy can admire another guy without wanting him to bend him over a table."

 

"ugh. what the heck, taemin, i did not need that mental image."

 

"serves you right, asshole."

 

\---

 

"do you think _he_  thinks we're dating?"

 

"taemin?"

 

"you know who i'm talking about, minho. don't pretend."

 

"you broke up with him five months ago, wouldn't it be good if he thought that?"

 

"yeah...yeah i guess you're right."

 

\---

 

"it would be good if he's dating minho right?"

 

"i don't know. you tell me."

 

"it would be good. then i'll be forced to move on and stop wondering what i did wrong."

 

"it's been five months."

 

"don't look at me like that. i loved him for five _years_."

 

\---

 

"you said you didn't feel secure with him."

 

"i know."

 

"you also said he flirted with every tall boy who crossed his path."

 

"i did."

 

"you said you didn't really know if he really loved you."

 

"yes i know what i said, i _know!_ but he just looks at me sometimes and it's so sad and i miss him. i _miss him."_

 

"oh kibum."

 

\---

 

"you could win him back."

 

"serenade him with one of your self composed songs, i know you wrote at least ten since he broke up with you."

 

"or just beg him to take you back, he might be softened by your pitiful state."

 

"or- goddammit jonghyun, are you crying?"

 

\---

 

"just to be clear, did you ever tell him all of that before you broke up with him?"

 

"...no?"

 

"...then i would suggest adding telepath to your checklist for an ideal boyfriend because _obviously_  that's what you need in life. why didn't you just _talk to him?"_

 

"you sound like my mother."

 

"best friends do sometimes."

 

\---

 

"how the heck did you get my number?'

 

"heck? that's pretty mild for lee taemin."

 

"fucking hell choi, i have a crying best friend in my room, state your case."

 

"since we're sharing, i have a conversationally-constipated one in mine."

 

" _still_  not getting to the point…"

 

\---

 

"so we have visitors!"

 

"visitors. for you. who would want to visit y-oh."

 

\---

 

"i'm gonna kill you, minho."

 

"nah, you won't."

 

\---

 

"those two cry too damn much."

 

"oh god, don't i know it. the past five months have been shit."

 

"what would they do without us, seriously."

 

\----------

 

"visitors? for you?"

 

the incredulous voice trickling through the door is far too familiar; familiar in a way that makes kibum's heart jump erratically in his chest. he glances over at minho, and minho slides him a grin and grips his wrist before kibum can put his feet to the still amorphous plan of escape.

 

"i'm gonna kill you, minho," he hisses from the corner of his mouth.

 

grin stretching wider, minho shakes his head  "nah, you won't."

 

"who would want to visit y-oh." when jonghyun opens the door, he goes very very still, almost like an ice sculpture. and kibum desperately wants to lurch forward and fling arms around his neck. god he's missed him.

 

"hi," kibum whispers. jonghyun's expression is terrified, and he almost turns to run, but taemin appears behind him, and his grin is close to maniacal.

 

"would you like to come in?" taemin says, overly formal.

 

"why, yes, thank you," minho replies, equally formal, and he ushers kibum in.

 

"what the fuck?" kibum mutters into minho's ear.

 

"don't swear, kibum. it's not dignified." minho's attempt at a genial smile only makes him look like a lech, kibum decides.

 

jonghyun looks slightly shell-shocked as taemin manoeuvers him onto the couch. minho directs kibum into the seat next to jonghyun, and then they both step away.

 

"kibum would like to say something to you, jonghyun," minho says, and glances meaningfully at kibum.

 

"tell him what you told me, kibum," he prompts when all kibum does is stare at jonghyun.

 

"i- i miss you," kibum hears himself say finally, hesitant and soft.

 

"you said you stopped loving me," jonghyun replies, just as quiet.

 

"i didn't, i-" he shakes his head, and it all comes out. the crippling insecurity from the easy way jonghyun treated everyone else, made him feel like kibum was just one of the many he could and did love. the way jonghyun flirted almost instinctively with everyone, until it was hard to determine what was meant and what wasn't. how somehow everything blurred into the idea that maybe everything between them was all an act of pity, something he needed to escape before it swallowed him whole.

 

"why didn't you tell me?" jonghyun breathes out when kibum's words peter away. "if you had just _told me…_ we could have talked about it, we could have solved it. _why?"_

 

"i don't know," kibum whispers, and he's crying suddenly, silent tears running down his face. "i missed you. so much." he reaches out and jonghyun pulls him in, and they're both crying, messy, ugly, together.

 

~-~

 

"did you actually believe minho and i were dating?" kibum exclaims later. "you know we've been best friends since like conception!"

 

"that's physically impossible, kibum," minho interjects.

 

"no one asked you, choi."

 

jonghyun smiles wanly and tugs kibum closer into him. "i just hoped you were happy," he says quietly. "even if it wasn't me. and minho is a good guy."

 

"i'm sorry," kibum says. "i'm sorry."

 

"i'm sorry too," jonghyun says, "for acting like that, for making you feel less."

 

there's still a taste of salt on jonghyun's mouth when kibum leans down to kiss him, but it also tastes a little, a lot like home.

 

("so i'm glad you guys have made up and all, but would you mind shifting the kissing to someplace that isn't my couch?")

 

* * *

_lmao i keep unearthing fic. this is never ending otl sorry._

 

_but that's it i think. farewell forever ship, thank you for all the joy. you will always have a part of my heart and soul._

_if you got here, thank you for reading._

 


End file.
